joshyface
he map is not necessary I am just saying for visual purposes. I can actually draw one up, you give a reasonable amount of detail to where everything
macfluffers
f you want to take a shot at it, be my gu
joshyface
QUOTE quotecFactions Bellan Republic ? Northern nation of united mounts. Ruled by an elected chancellor who presides over a parliament.coloro:#FF0000/coloroPassive voice.colorc/colorc They have access to water through their glaciers, but they have very little petroleum. Aran Kingdom ? Southern nation of united mounts. Ruled by a constitutional monarchcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(constitutional monarchy) colorc/colorc, currently a queen, with a senate keeping the monarch in check. Oil fields coloro:#FF0000/coloroarecolorc/colorc found in their country, but the arid desert land provides little water. Coalition of Free Mounts ? A confederacy of unaligned mounts who vie for neutrality in the ongoing war. They do not consider themselves a nation, but work together and protect each other to prevent assimilation into one of the larger countries. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I don't think I understand what this actually is. Is it like the holy roman empire? Also Geographically, are they between the two kingdoms, did you already state that. I may have forgotten.colorc/colorcPirates ? The greatest fear of sky-faring folk. They prey on ships and steal their cargo for a living. Some are deserters, fed up with being soldiers. Others are ex-dragon hunters, men who have found that people are a more replenishable coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Is replenishable a word? If so, keep it. If not, change it to something like plentiful.) colorc/colorcquarry. Pit beasts ? Dangerous horned creatures that haunt the valleys, hunting those foolish enough to wander below the mounts without proper equipment or guidance.coloro:#FF0000/coloroThis is an awkward sentence. Also: dangerous, horned because it is two adjectives in a row.colorc/colorc Their numbers have grown exponentially since the advent of human flight. Barbarians ? There are rumors of barbarians who live in the valleys who can tame pit beasts and ride them, but these stories are unconfirmed.coloro:#FF0000/coloro A lot going on in this sentence, confusing. Consider making two or three sentences.colorc/colorc If nothing else, these people would have to be extremely hardy, resourceful, and reclusive to live there. Dragons ? Large, mighty, and territorial dragons dominated the skies before human flight. They are varied with some the size of vifs and others the size of chasms, some that are solitary, and some that live in flightscoloro:#FF0000/coloroWord choice, I have no idea what you are talking about. Are 'flights' like the dragon version of a community?colorc/colorc, fifty strong. coloro:#FF0000/coloroI would add a transition here. colorc/colorcOne thing is constant, and it?s thatcoloro:#FF0000/colorowordy, unnecessary. colorc/colorc although their population has decreased due to human activity, they?re still dangerous, and should be treated as such. Dragon hunters ? Brave warriors who seek out and kill dragons. coloro:#FF0000/coloroShould this be past tense because they have put themselves out of jobs, therefore do not exist anymore. Or are their still a few making it present. colorc/colorcThey were so good at what they did, in past decades they put themselves out of jobs: without dragons to hunt, most couldn?t find work. The dragon hunting guild was dismantled, and all but a few coloro:#FF0000/coloromost (what you had before was confusing and made me think they did not change jobs.) colorc/colorcchanged professions, preferably something that valued their expertise in combat and piloting. Some became soldiers and mercenaries, some became pirates, and some even became treasure hunters. Dragon riders ? Stories tell of men who ride dragons. They say that far to the east, riders clad in red sit atop whiskered winged lizards, and far to the west, riders with blue skincoloro:#FF0000/coloro Do the riders have blue skin? IF that is what you are going for, then this is fine. But if you were saying the dragons had blue scales, then this is a misplaced modifier.colorc/colorc sit atop wyverns. Tales of these dragon riders are widespread, but they are accepted as nothing more than folk storiescoloro:#FF0000/coloro I would use folklore, because folk stories sounds strange. But, whatever floats your boat.colorc/colorc to most people. Treasure hunters ? Men and women who brave the wasteland in the hopes of finding great treasure. A few have come out with riches, ancient gold locked away by some unnamed king for secret reasons. Most, however, meet untimely deaths at the hands of pirates, the unforgiving wastes, the traps of the ruins, and worst of all, each other.QuoteEndQuoteEEndI will get to Mechanics by the end of the day, and preferably, get to the statistics sections. Although, I make no promises. I get distracted easily, and I like to make sure I am through eno
macfluffers
QUOTE quotecCoalition of Free Mounts – A confederacy of unaligned mounts who vie for neutrality in the ongoing war. They do not consider themselves a nation, but work together and protect each other to prevent assimilation into one of the larger countries. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I don't think I understand what this actually is. Is it like the holy roman empire? Also Geographically, are they between the two kingdoms, did you already state that. I may have forgotten.)colorc/colorcQuoteEndQuoteEEndThey're much loser than that. They're more like a bunch of city-states that cooperate. There are more details in a later section.Geographically, yes, they are sandwiched along with the completely independent mounts.By the way, I really appreciate this proofreading. I can never do this sort of thing to my own st
joshyface
eah, found that. I have gotten pretty far. It's gonna take me a while to type up my edits though. I got halfway through the statistics sect
joshyface
quoteoQUOTE quotecVehicles VIFs (Vehicle for Independent Flight, pronounced ?viff? and colloquially spelt without all caps) ? The vif is essentially a small, open cockpit plane, usually the size of a small car coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Do they have cars? Generally steampunk stuff has another name for it. If they do have a different name for cars, then change the 'small car' part to what ever it would be called. colorc/colorc(not including the wingspan). Modern vifs are extremely stable, allowing the pilot to take his hands off of the controls to use a firearm coloro:#FF0000/colorohow does this work? Is it like how if you lean to one side on a bike, you move that way?colorc/colorc(in the past, only melee weapons and pistols were used, because at least one hand was needed to operate the vif). It is the most commonly seen vehicle in aerial combat, and they come in many different sizes and speeds. coloro:#FF0000/coloroI understand you are trying to say their max speeds are different, but the same models has varied speeds. I am sure all of the vehicles can go 1mph, therefore I would specify. colorc/colorcThe pilots who ride vifs are called ?riders?.coloro:#FF0000/coloroPassive, also why are they called riders. when you have a reason make it something like "because you ride them like horses, citizens call them riders.colorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/coloroAlso, what exactaly do they look like this, or like a mini plane? Are you leaving this to interpretation? That is okay, if it was intentional.colorc/colorcVDFs (Vehicle for Dual Flight, colloquially called a ?videf?) ? Some research programs in the twocoloro:#FF0000/coloro there are only two empires... so there is no point in having the two there.colorc/colorc empires developed ways to make vehicles that are as fast and maneuverable as vifs while comfortably seating more passengers. Having two soldiers occupying one area of airspace is useful for air superiority, as it allows heavy weapons such as Gatling guns, flamethrowers, and cannons to be turret mounted instead of fixed. coloro:#FF0000/coloroThere needs to be a reason to choose a Vif over a videf. If they are as fast, as maneuverable, and better for combat, then why would an army still use a videf (besides cost). Or more importantly, why should the player use a vif over a videf. This whole section make the Vif seem useless.colorc/colorcAirships ? The most common form of air transportation. Lifted by lighter-than-air gases such as helium and hydrogen, they are fuel efficient, but large. coloro:#FF0000/coloroAre they slower, too? Just for comparison, is semitruck to motocycle like vif to airship?colorc/colorcThey see commercial, private, and military use throughout the whole of Aeroterra. Planes ? Relatively new aircraft lifted by airfoil coloro:#FF0000/coloroa normal person would have no idea what this means, but i guess there is no other way to explain it, acceptable.colorc/colorctechnology rather than gases. The most common planes around are vifs, and most larger planes aren?t considered worth their fuel inefficiency, but this is slowly changing. Cruisers ? These hybrid airships (aircraft that combine airship technology with plane technology) are the homes of vif squadrons, as well as portable airports.coloro:#FF0000/coloroPutting this here is slightly confusing. Read this sentence over to check if I am just being crazy.colorc/colorc They all have living quarters, a hangar, and an armory. Armaments are typically cannons and bays to drop bombs. They usually have tiltrotorscoloro:#FF0000/coloroYou use a lot of jargon, btwcolorc/colorc, allowing them to perform vertical take-off and landing, although proper landing gear does exist in case of emergencies. Carriers ? Carriers, as their name implies, carry large amounts of smaller aircraft. They are conventional airships, and therefore have high fuel economy, making it easier for large amounts of troops to travel in comparison to simply flying on vifs or cruisers. They are typically heavily armored, although without few if any weaponscoloro:#FF0000/coloro[/color], making them dependent on a convoy system for protection. [color="#FF0000"]Reasonable.colorc/colorcBattleships ? Similar to carriers, but boast firepower instead of carrying capacity. Oftencoloro:#FF0000/coloro, theycolorc/colorchave large bomb bays and dangerous cannon arrays. Although bombers are faster, battleships have larger payloads, can stop moving in the air, and can have on-ship artillery, making them easier to defend.coloro:#FF0000/coloroBombers come after this definition, so people will not understand the comparison to bombers.colorc/colorc Balloons ? Hot air balloons were never a particularly common sight in Aeroterra. They?re even slower than dirigiblescoloro:#FF0000/coloroyou do not talk about these, so do not mention them. Also, unless the reader knows things about aircrafts or are from the 50s, they will not understand what this is.colorc/colorc, and as fragile as a house of cards. With pegasi and griffons being tamed for hundreds of years, they simply didn?t seem useful. However, until the invention of the airship, they were the only mechanized form of air transport, and thus were extremely important for the scientific craft of aeronautics. They still see use in fairs, festivals, and other large social events, as they?re more aesthetically appealing and cheaper than airships. coloro:#FF0000/coloro aesthetically pleasing...well, good to know people like ugly, bulky baloons.colorc/colorcBombers ? Planes designed for the sole purpose of dropping ordinance. Typically too large for any but the largest of carriers, these aircraft boast a high payload for planes, while at the same time being faster than battleships. However, because they are planes, mounting cannons is impractical, and they are usually dependent on convoys for protection from other aircraft. To solve this, attempts at engineering in new bombers equipped with smaller gun turrets for defense, called ?flying fortresses?, has begun. These new planes may someday replace battleships for attacking ground targets. Rotorcraft ? There are whispers of secret laboratories working on the future of air superiority. Unlike planes, these machines are said to be able to hover in place, though not through gases, so they don?t have the slowness and clumsiness of airships. Larger ones called gyrodynes and smaller ones called helicopters are rumored to surpass all flight technology to date. Only time will tell if these rumors are anything other than paranoid murmurs. Motorcycles ? There are also motorcycles.coloro:#FF0000/coloroThis sentence breaks implys a breaking of the forth wall. All of your other examples explain the benefits of such vehicles, but this assumes they know what a motorcycle is.colorc/colorc They are not the most efficient vehicles for transporting good or people, but they are fast. Biker gangs aren?t an uncommon sight in the less orderedcoloro:#FF0000/coloroless ordered? what does that mean? are you attempting to say the third world countries.colorc/colorc parts of the world. Horseless carriages ? Take a carriage and hook up a motor to one of its axles, and you have yourself a horseless carriage. These are popular forms of transportation on mounts as well as between them, when the mounts are bridged. Of course, since you could just use a regular carriage with a horse to do the same thing, they are uncommon in poorer areas. Some newer models have trackscoloro:#FF0000/colorotrain tracks? So instead of them being able to move freely, they are trapped on a track.colorc/colorc instead of wheels, making it easier to use them on harsh terrain. Pegasi and griffons ? Technically not vehicles, but they still deserve mention, as until the advent of mechanized human flight, they were the only way to travel by air. Unlike dragons, they never posed a real threat to humans, so their wild populations are healthy, and in fact booming in the absence of dragons. The proud griffons of the south were difficult to tame, but generations of selective mating managed to make a domestic breed. Wild pegasi are found in the north, and were much easier to handle from the beginning. For many years they served man, sometimes even as war animals in times of conflict. They are still bred by those who can afford it, though unlike horses, they have little use in agriculture, so you are much more likely to see a domesticated horse rather than a pegasus or griffon. There are a few small military groups that still use war animals, citing their relative silence and lack of emissions as possible assets in skirmishes and scouting, though Bella and Ara have abandoned them except for ceremonial purposes.coloro:#FF0000/coloroThis is the most through section in your vehicles part, but I think they should be separated. It is longer than the other sections making it seem more important. And since they are not used as much, they are less important, and should have shorter sections.colorc/colorcQuoteEndQuoteEEndSorry this is taking so long. I have been busy. Thanks for the patie
joshyface
quoteoQUOTE quotecThe world Aeroterra ? The name given to the world by its inhabitants. It?s mountains are high, its valleys are deep, its oceans are large, its and mysteries are countless. coloro:#FF0000/coloro>.> I think this is a purposeless definition. IF the reader read the introduction they would have realized the world is named this. Or on the more likely side, if they read the title of the Aeroterra section, they would realize it was called areoterra. colorc/colorcThe sky ? Once ruled by dragons, now ruled by man. coloro:#FF0000/coloroI like the introductioncolorc/colorcThe Grand Blue is where wars are wagedcoloro:#FF0000/coloroThis is somewhat underwhelming, but since it is just a definition; it's okay.colorc/colorc, and commerce is performed. Old stories tell of man?s desire to fly in the sky like dragons, birds, pegasi, and griffons, free from the land. Now that man has achieved this, he uses it as a means of business at best and a place of violence at worstcoloro:#FF0000/coloroI like the idea of this sentence, but violence is not necessarily the worst thing. I understand where your comparison is coming from, but I think it's kinda specific. colorc/colorc. Mount ? The term for a mesa. Some are coloro:#FF0000/colorominusculecolorc/colorc, while others are thousands of kilometers in size. Often, mounts close enough to one another, even those governed by different groups, have bridges between them to allow those without access to air transportation to safely travel without having to deal with pit beasts.coloro:#FF0000/coloroWhy do these communities have such a close relationship. Why do they not attempt to concur each other like the empires.colorc/colorc Valley ? The term for the land beneath the tops of the mounts. coloro:#FF0000/coloroSo, basically, this place is like the grand canyon.colorc/colorcCompared to the mounts, not much light reaches the bottom, but plant life seems to survive well enough. More importantly, pit beasts roam the valleys, and are dangerous to travelers. If you must traverse the valleys, go armed and in vehicles if possible. Technology ? Diesel is the fuel of tomorrow! Animal labor is still valued, especially in agriculture, but for most large tasks, petroleum-powered machines are used. coloro:#FF0000/coloroI may be thinking of something else, but didn't you say this was steampunk like. So shouldn't their be steam power.colorc/colorcElectricity has been invented, but it isn?t in widespread use. coloro:#FF0000/coloroAre most cities electrical powered?colorc/colorcIf one were wealthy, then he or she might have a home that was fully lit with light bulbs, but most are content to live with candles and lanterns. Telegrams are used both by governments and civilian groups, while radio is too new and expensive to be available to anyone but the military. Transportation ? The most efficient way to move about is by airship or plane. If you can reach your destination by ground, then a motorcycle or horseless carriage can get you there as well. Pegasi, griffons, and horses are still bred and used by those who can?t afford machines, but they are no longer used by military groups.coloro:#FF0000/coloroYou implied they were expensive in the earlier part. Are griffons and pegasi edxpensive or cheap. Also you also said they were used by small military groups and they liked them because they did not require fuel. Pick one, stick with it.colorc/colorc Hot air balloons are mostly in disuse, except for novelty purposes. Railroads were invented some time ago, but the bridges between mounts don?t have the support for that kind of weight, and the only attempt ever made to build a railroad through the valleys was botched due to frequent pit beast attacks. Wealth ? Water is more accessible in the north, so there is a stronger agriculture there, and hunger is only a problem for particularly unprivileged individuals. Ironically, although southern areas are poorer, there are more vehicles and mechanized factories in the south. This is because the greater amount of oil there makes machine ownership more reasonable. coloro:#FF0000/coloroWhat about the mounts. Are they just like neanderthals? We understand they are in a barren land, but they should be mentioned. colorc/colorcOcean ? There are no navies in Aeroterra. The only body of water large enough to justify water ships is the Azure Expanse, and it doesn?t span between mounts. There are fishing industries, however, so water ships are still a common technology.QuoteEndQuoteEEndI went a bit quick on this section, so I might add something later. I won't add anything major because it is a solid sect
macfluffers
Vifs are not like that image (if I were a decent artist, I'd include an image with the definition, but oh well). In general, they really are just small planes with very open cockpits. (No rotors, though. All internal engine.) I don't feel it's that important to give a clear image so long as its understood that they're planes, so they can't stay still, and that they're small enough for melee weapons to be viable.To answer your question about moving and using weapons: it just won't immediately lose control if you let go of the control stick. The idea is that with the current models, you can leave it be long enough to take your shots, whereas with the older models, if you let go, it wouldn't stay still and you'd be stalling in seconds.As for vifs vs videfs, the different mechanics are explained later. In short, vifs are simpler (Maybe vifs should be cheaper? I can't believe I didn't think to include prices for vehicles.) and more common. Coalition, independent, and non-military groups wouldn't have videfs unless they stole them. Also, you need two people to use a videf, so they're not the best things for player characters, since effectively two people will have to share a turn in combat. Videfs, like carriers, battleships, and bombers, are widely meant to be enemy craft, and used by the players in special circumstances.By the way, dirigible = airship, so I don't know if it's important to explain what that is. Is it that unknown of a term? I guess I could just explain that dirigible and zeppelin are synonyms for airship.The closer mounts may have tried to conquer each other in the past. By this time in history, either one would have taken over the others, or they would have just cooperated.No steam power. Not enough water in most of the world for that. They use petroleum-based fuel engines. I don't think I ever called it steampunk; I did call it skypunk and dieselpunk though.Electricity isn't common at all. Most cities will have it, but only for government buildings and the wealthy.Flying animals: I guess I overlooked that. No explanation there, just forgot I had two entries for them.Which mounts? If you're talking about the central mounts, they're a toss up between wealthy and poor. If you're talking about the wasteland mounts, when I say it's a dead land, I mean . No one lives there (except for dragon riders, but that's not something that I'll bring up until after the core rules are done).PS - People have balloon festivals in real life, so yeah, they do like
