rielly987
As time passed the trees became strong enough again to produce new bodies, but the weeds that were planted corrupted the tree's ability by far. Gen's new body was a teenage man in a white suit with no eyes, while Esis was made a teenage girl in a dress of darkness and eye's the color of the sky. each of the sibling had a power. Gen lost his ability of controlling death but gained the power to create. Esis had gained the ability to control space. they looked at each other this time but not with hatred, but with rivalry. Gen and Esis fought for the fun of it. each time gen created something a new world was made. Esis lent some of her power to her brother so that he could jump though worlds with freedom. Gen did the same for Esis so she could create space or the items in space right in front of her. the battles went on and on but at one point Gen went to far and in a Dimension called Farios he created a monster so strong i could destroy the world. it had 20 heads. legs from every animal possible. a tail that was shaped like a hammer the size of the moon. wings of an angel and a demon. i spewed fire and poison strong enough to kill a god. It soon caused an early Armogadon an destroyed Farios and it's self. Esis saw this and used most of her power to create the Heart of Times and lock away most of Gen's power in it along with his memory of most their time together. Gen was sent into a world covered with vegetation and life called Earth to live out his days. little did Esis know Gen kept his memory of the small ability to create and that the true power of the creator lies within the Heart of times. and so the story begins.
raf9900
First I'm going to ask a question no one asked me when I did my own: Can you take criticism well? I mean, real criticism. Don't expect any euphemisms or compliments, I warn
joshyface
raf, I have no idea what you are talking ab
blackhawkkid
isten to Raf well or Josh will tear you apart.... *evil eyes at j
rielly987
QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Dec 16 2011, 03:41 AM) quotecDoing a fan fic, are you?First I'm going to ask a question no one asked me when I did my own: Can you take criticism well? I mean, real criticism. Don't expect any euphemisms or compliments, I warn you.QuoteEndQuoteEEnd yes yes i can. icare not for fake compliments or tiny cofindent boosters complaints are better so i know what to
EternalLurker
On a barely related note, Gen isn't some magical being. He's just a psychic teenager from our (/Nera/Gely/Sisi's) world. Compare to the D'ni from Myst. (Wouldn't be surprised if that awesome series was a source of An's inspiration.) Or maybe (though he's relatively boring) Franklin Richa
raf9900
First, check your grammar. "in there fights Gen...." - Those fights. You also need to improve your pacing. Commas are here to help you.Second, the way it is now it seems like a prototype fable or miyth of some kind. I suggest you expand it, with more details and vivid descriptions. A staple of this kind of story is the enthusiastic narrative. For example:"When Arm and Gadon ended the entire universe in a single event of epic proportions, crushing all the existence into a single point of energy so it could form new worlds and lew life, the two forces had three offspring. Three creatures of unique nature destined to see the universe thrive and decay upon their very eyes..."Needless to say, do it your way. This is just an example.Third, be careful with canon. Giving Gen unconfirmed caracteristics can discredit your fic.Fourth, putting things in order is important to help creating an image:First, the trees grew inside them.Then, the seeds were dropped.The battle followed after that.They then reanimate because of the seeds.If you put things out of order like you did there, it confuses people. Most of all, avoid telling something happened just before the events mentioned in the last line or paragraph for the readers' sake.Fifth, no plot holes. You say that first the nature was born, and then you say it was Gen who created the animals. And how could he do anything after his very soul was consumed? Explain, with enthusiasm and details.So that's it. I would go with more caracter development, some description by their eyes, and an acrtual narrative. But that's your fic, if you want to make it myth-like, it's your cho
rielly987
eah i see your point and were i failed to create a good story. i type a better version first but before i post it i hit the power button on my computer by accident so FAIL on me. also when i said nature i meant like was it like chaos or a clam serine p
raf9900
I just forgot one thing: Make a paragraph or two. It really he
ellthan
QUOTE (EternalLurker @ Dec 16 2011, 06:19 PM) quotecLol.On a barely related note, Gen isn't some magical being. He's just a psychic teenager from our (/Nera/Gely/Sisi's) world. Compare to the D'ni from Myst. (Wouldn't be surprised if that awesome series was a source of An's inspiration.) Or maybe (though he's relatively boring) Franklin Richards.QuoteEndQuoteEEndWait a minite! If that is true, then why is he refeared as the creator in the WoG AND why is the after him (also in the WoG)!P.S Also (also in the WoG) Esis at the end refers him as her brother!(Or dosen't she? I finished WoG a long time ago...)P.S.S. Awasome story!Good job Rie
macfluffers
The main trio all have magic powers, but they're still human.And yes, Gen and Esis are siblings. Esis is also hu
a_pwner
ely is the hacker, Nera is the keeper of power and Sisi is the Channel of Power. Gen is the programmer and Esis is the one that just terminates all the worlds when they went bankrupt, in the real wo
aster
QUOTE (Rielly987 @ Dec 16 2011, 02:52 AM) quotecWhen Armo and Gadon caused destruction of the old world they had four offspring. The New World,The Blue Sky, Gen and Esis. The World was blank and empty except for two trees, one of the trees had the name Gen etched into it. it was a tree made purely of darkness. the other tree was made of a light brighter than the sun, i had the name Esis scratched into it. as the two trees grew the powers inside them grew as well. soon both tree were strong enough to make a body, the tree of light made a girl who's eyes were whole and as blue as the sky. the tree known as Gen made a boy who was covered in a veil of darkness and whose eyes held nothing but darkness and death. Gen first body was evil and pure Darkness while Esis looked like a ghost made of pure light. as their eyes meet the looked at one another with pure hatred for the one standing across from them. The body built by the Tree of Esis was destroyed by the death in Gen's eyes. The last once of the power the body of Esis had was used to plant a weed next to the tree of darkness. Gen soon walks up to the tree of light and plants a weed to be even. Then right after the weed was planted the tree of Esis shoot swords of light through Gen's body. he died squealing in pain shouting curses from a different language. As time passed the trees became strong enough again to produce new bodies, but the weeds that were planted corrupted the tree's ability by far. Gen's new body was a teenage man in a white suit with no eyes, while Esis was made a teenage girl in a dress of darkness and eye's the color of the sky. each of the sibling had a power. Gen lost his ability of controlling death but gained the power to create. Esis had gained the ability to control space. they looked at each other this time but not with hatred, but with rivalry. Gen and Esis fought for the fun of it. each time gen created something a new world was made. Esis lent some of her power to her brother so that he could jump though worlds with freedom. Gen did the same for Esis so she could create space or the items in space right in front of her. the battles went on and on but at one point Gen went to far and in a Dimension called Farios he created a monster so strong i could destroy the world. it had 20 heads. legs from every animal possible. a tail that was shaped like a hammer the size of the moon. wings of an angel and a demon. i spewed fire and poison strong enough to kill a god. It soon caused an early Armogadon an destroyed Farios and it's self. Esis saw this and used most of her power to create the Heart of Times and lock away most of Gen's power in it along with his memory of most their time together. Gen was sent into a world covered with vegetation and life called Earth to live out his days. little did Esis know Gen kept his memory of the small ability to create and that the true power of the creator lies within the Heart of times. and so the story begins.....QuoteEndQuoteEEndUhm... can I try it? Here's what I can come up with a similar idea. It was nice but needs more effort. I read the whole thread and this is what I did:In the beginning of time, the repetition of the endless cycle has started a new. Arma and Gadon, the ones who restarted the eternal cycle once more, had two children. A young baby girl with silvery white hair and sky blue eyes and a healthy boy with onyx black irises and his hair nearly matching his skin tone. Arma placed her hand on the baby girl's head and her eyes slowly lit up. "A child born from the light of days shall become the Keeper of Space..." Gadon took the baby boy and held his hand on their son. "A child born of a powerful imagination shall be declared as the Keeper of Hope..." A swirling portal of milky white energy formed in front of them. "Let their lives flourish in the present so they will learn their powers in the past! So we, the Generation of the Past make it so!" They pushed the babies through the portal with 2 small stone necklaces wrapped around their blankets. Engraved in them was the word GENESIS. The two babies traveled through the portal and arrived at the doorstep of a building that had a giant sign at the front saying: New Dale Orphanage. And so the story unfolds...AND that's that. PS, I didn't think that Gen was evil at first. I tried to avoid what Raf said so this came out. IF anyone didn't understand, I tried making it sound as Human as possible.PPS, This was based on what I saw on WoG. Gen looked like he had hair that was a bit darker on the palette. This is only my interpretation of what would have happened if everyone's ideas would come into