blackhawkkid
“TEEEEEEEESSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!” Kallen narrowly dodged the beam of light, burning his wing tips just slightly. “POP POP POP.” Kallen snickered as he rolled to his right. With a loud bang the bright yellow orb of lightning ripped through the air and into the small group of angry cloud hoppers. The group had split up into pairs to collect the eggs faster. Kallen and Emi paired up because they could keep up with eachother. Kaz had gone with gelyan and sisi and near grouped up too. They had been at this for three hours now. The plan was to meet at the last camping spot in about five hours. “Nice job.” Kallen said as he walked to the eggs. The eggs where a neon blue and were supposedly harder than steel. “How many are there?” Emi yelled back making her way to the nest. “I count ten here.” Kallen yelled back. “Great five more than we needed we’ll have extra.” Emi said as she helped Kallen put the eggs in the woven sack that held 20 neon eggs just like the ones they had collected. The chromia they needed for the trip was equal to 75 cloud hopper eggs thus each group needed to collect 25.“Keep the damn things off me!” Kaz yelled as he slashed the cloud hopper that had jumped at him. This sent blue cloud hopper blood spurting everywhere.“I’m trying!” Gelyan yelled back as he shot cloud hoppers as fast as he could trying to delay them long enough for kaz to collect the eggs.“Well at least we’re almost done!” Kaz yelled lifting the first egg out of the nest. He then slipped into the shadow of part of the tree and reformed at the base dropping the egg into the bag of 23 eggs they had already. “One more!”Kaz shifted back to the top of the tree hacking and slashing like mad to keep the cloud hoppers away from him. He jumped did a front flip over a hopper and landed next to the nest.“GOT IT!” Kaz yelled grabbing the egg. He then flipped back to gelyan, grabbed his wrist, and melded back into the shadows taking gelyan along with him.“Never do that again!” Gelyan yelled at kaz as they came out of the shadows.“Why? you afraid of the dark?” Kaz said in a mocking tone.“No!”Gelyan snapped back. He then quickly went back to his normal demeanor as he thought of what Neraine would think of that.“Well lets get going we have the eggs.” Gelyan said trying to change the subject.And so they headed back towards the camp.When Gelyan ,Kaz, Emi, and Kallen all got back to the campsite they found neraine and sisily already sitting round the fire.“How were you done before all of us? You started last.” Gelyan asked surprised to see them there.“We were done after the first nest.” Sisi said as she took a bite of the bread they had gotten out of Emi’s pack.“WHAT?!” Kaz yelled his mouth a gape.“The first nest we checked was huge, 25 eggs in all and every hopper was gone” Neraine said as she chewed her piece of bread.“No way! Gelyan and I went to 10 nests just to get ours!” Kaz said biting on annoyance.“Calm down Kaz.” Kallen said stepping in between the duo. “We have the eggs we need and that’s all that matters.”“Kallen is right. Plus we need to get to town before the eggs hatch or we’ll have to get more.” Emi said as she started picking up the small camp they had made.“Whats this town we’re headed to called again?”Kaz asked Emi as he trotted along beside her. It had been an hour since they had packed up camp.“Baran, it’s a small port city about a half mile away.” Emi answered. And so the group trekked on unknown to them they aren’t the only ones who are stuck h
raf9900
For one, Kallen and Kaz seem to have a better balance with the team, and you noted how Gelyan tries to stay calm. There's something in the dialogue that still bugs me, but I'm not exactly sure what. I'd made Nera colder and Sisily more loud, but otherwise it's good. So far, of course. Being a teaser, there isn't much to review just yet. Keep the improvem
blackhawkkid
hx raf i'll have more of it up later this is nothing hones
raf9900
You know, there's no reason why you can't split this giant chapter into smaller ones. I really don't mind having Kyle appear on chapter f
joshyface
Also, I agree with raf. This chapter is better, but still needs some improvement. *resisting urge to tear the chapter to shr
blackhawkkid
rust me there will be much more for you to rip to shreds later on josh just w
joshyface
quoteo(post=8893:date=Oct 21 2011, 05:14 AM:name=talonkid13)QUOTE (talonkid13 @ Oct 21 2011, 05:14 AM) quotec“I count ten here.” Kallen yelled backcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc...“WHAT?!” Kaz yelled his mouth a gapecoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc...“No way! Gelyan and I went to 10 nests just to get ours!” Kaz said biting on annoyancecoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorcQuoteEndQuoteEEndEND YOUR SENTENCES WITH PUNCTUATION: MORE SPECIFICALLY PERIODS. I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE FIXED THIS FOR YOU, BUT STOP IGNORING A FUNDAMENTAL PART OF GOOD LANGU
raf9900
ol, maybe THAT's what bugs me about dialogue so much. Well noti
blackhawkkid
oops... that wasnt supposed to happen thank you for noticing that i'll try to fix that
dragoonalpha
oh! *Eagerly awaits the full chap
blackhawkkid
ou may be waiting a little longer than the last two times i've got a tad bit of writers block and my schedule is suddenly getting busier(not sure why i didn't notice the changes before). so far this is still all i got i just can't get in the mood for it... i'm gonna try to write a little more tonight and see if I can get some quality writing (hopefully quality that doesnt make josh want to kill m