joshyface
quoteo(post=7662:date=Sep 7 2011, 06:47 PM:name=Avalon Xionico)QUOTE (Avalon Xionico @ Sep 7 2011, 06:47 PM) quotecBack story:Alice coloro:#FF0000/colorohas colorc/colorcbeen in the Dream World for a long time, she cannot remember when and how she got there, she also couldn’t remember anything about her self besides her name.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(This whole sentence is choppy. I also do not think it is in a good place. If you spread this information throughout the first paragraph, it would flow better. I'll add little specks of these details here and their, so you can see this sentence is unneeded. Think of it this way: you are telling a narrative and if the first sentence does not give a good impression, the reader will leave.)colorc/colorc When she had first coloro:#FF0000/colorowokecolorc/colorc up in this worldcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(W/C, I think the dream world sounds better and since i want you to get rid of the first sentence it would not be redundant.)colorc/colorc her head was pounding coloro:#FF0000/coloro(good w/c, very descriptive.)colorc/colorc and the first thing she saw was a strange Scythecoloro:#FF0000/coloro (you could play around with the wording of this, it is a little bland.)colorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/coloro—itcolorc/colorc had an aura of what seems to be light, but coloro:#FF0000/coloronotcolorc/colorc quite coloro:#FF0000/colorolight(Redundant the reader should understand what you are talking about.)colorc/colorc. There was coloro:#FF0000/coloroalso a hint of(unnecessary detail that makes the sentence even more wordy than it is.)colorc/colorc Darkness movingcoloro:#FF0000/coloro (w/c, I am not sure if this is the best word for your sentence. Maybe, flowing throughout. This is all dependent on the image you are trying to develop, but moving is neutral and I do not think that is something you want when talking about darkness. I think you should pick a word with more interesting connotation. But again, all depends on the message you are trying to accomplish with this simile.)colorc/colorc as if it was the reflection of watercoloro:#FF0000/coloro (How is darkness like water? I'll accept it if you explain it to me, but generally water represents purity, irrigation, growth, and in biblical references dependance on god. Are you possibly trying to reference pollution like india's river problems because if not, I do not get it. Please explain.)colorc/colorc; Alice gazed at this Scythe for some time… it was strangely calming. After sitting and gazing at the Scythe she looked around her surroundings and saw that this place was... Different, the trees were an odd colour and the ground had a soft feeling that she had never experienced before (or couldn’t remember) and the sky was a crystal blue. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Think about splitting the paragraph here. Everything before this is describing her surroundings and here it is getting into her actions.)colorc/colorcAlice got up from the ground, coloro:#FF0000/coloronowcolorc/colorc trying to recall what she was doing or how she got here, but her head was hurting every time she tried to think backcoloro:#FF0000/coloroStarting from 'but' this is bad use of passive voice. All it does is make it sound weird. I would reword.colorc/colorc, preventing her from thinking correctly. She held her head waiting for the pain to pass; she stumbled over to the Scythe and tripped, grabbing it to prevent her fall. The Scythes aura exploded outward to every direction, Alice still in pain cried out and tried to let go coloro:#FF0000/coloroof the Scythe (She is only holding one thing as far as we know no need to explain what she is letting go of. Also, I would combine this sentence and the next one. It is okay if it is a run-on because it is a purposeful run-on. It the actions seem more urgent.)colorc/colorc. Her right hand wouldn’t obey and held on to tight, and then just as sudden the aura started to surround her and the Scythe.Alice, confused and now very scared, simply shut her eyes and waited for the event to end. The aura finally engulfed her and the scythe only it was in the shape of an egg, an egg that had both light and darkness revolving within it. Alice thinking that it was over, opened her eyes and found her self coloro:#FF0000/colorosomewherecolorc/colorc completely different coloro:#FF0000/coloroareacolorc/colorc from before. She was now floating in an empty spacecoloro:#FF0000/coloro(boring w/c, how about a void.)colorc/colorc, only blackness surrounded her. But she could see perfectly, she looked down at coloro:#FF0000/coloroherselfcolorc/colorc and saw that she was now covered in a glowing white aura, similar to the Scythe which was still held tightly in her right hand by her side. It was surprisingly light compared to its size; well it would be if you were floating in some empty space… coloro:#FF0000/coloro(New paragraph here: the ellipses make add some suspense and make it a good place to start a new paragraph. Plus your giant paragraphs make it look like you like to ramble. You are writing a narrative not a formal essay: it is okay for your paragraphs to be shorter.)colorc/colorcStill floating without anything happening around her, Alice decided not to bother to think about the past. Now the only thing she had company in this black space was the Scythe, Alice now noticed that the Scythe was not covered in the same aura as her self; it still had the same aura when she first saw it. She brought the Scythe up closer to inspect, it truly is quite something; Alice ran her hand across the side of the Scythes blade, the aura rippled like water.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(NOW THIS IS HOW YOU INTRODUCE THINGS. Much more interesting than when you were redundantly introducing your character. You have some clever uses of imagery from the start of this paragraph to here.)colorc/colorc The blade coloro:#FF0000/coloroitselfcolorc/colorc had coloro:#FF0000/coloroa longcolorc/colorc length, she couldn’t touch the tip of the blade, the long handle that her hand was so stubbornly clenching onto was made of some material that she couldn’t identify. Alice then noticed a Symbol near the base of the blade; it seems to be a star of some sort. Using her left hand, Alice touched the symbol following the carved shape, it then started coloro:#FF0000/coloroglowingcolorc/colorc stronger than the aura itself. Surprised once more, she quickly removed her hand from the symbol and held the Scythe away from her shutting her eyes again. What she couldn’t see coloro:#FF0000/coloronowcolorc/colorc (or wouldn’t) was that the space around her coloro:#FF0000/colorowas beingcolorc/colorc absorbed into the Scythe, leaving in its place a pure White Light. The Darkness coloro:#FF0000/colorostarted to rapidly become (awkward reword.)colorc/colorc absorbed, then just as the last hint disappeared in to the Scythe; the Light shone intensely and kept growing brighter and brighter. Alice now knew this because that was all that she could see; even with her eyes closed the Light was just too bright. Once it reached its coloro:#FF0000/coloropiquecolorc/colorc, the Light gave a final flash and Alice dropped onto the ground she had woken up on, upon that moment she opened her eyes and all that a person would have seen was her eye were radiating white light. But what they wouldn’t see is what Alice her self was seeing, she had gained a powerful Knowledge and also Knowledge of the Scythe, Which name is “Light of the Darkness” but not enough to know its origin. Though she could not understand most of it, she knew that it would help her in this world. When the final words of Knowledge embedded into her mind her eyes returned to their normal colour.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(this paragraph is overall better than the one before, but you might consider breaking it into multiple paragraphs. It is kinda a wall.colorc/colorc“It was about time that finished,” Said a deep unknown voice. “I’ve been waiting here for a full day now.”A whole full day, that couldn’t be right… Alice looked over to where the voice had spoken from, and was surprised to be face to face with a lizard with wings.“I’m not a lizard, silly girl. You should know that by now, I’m a Tarot Guardian,coloro:#FF0000/coloro(No he is not a tarot. The Tarots in genesis are based off the real tarot cards. You cannot just make your dragon a tarot because he is not a tarot.)colorc/colorc a Dragon, and my name is Salazaar.” The now grinning Dragon said. “And yes it has been a full day since you got covered in that Light of yours.”Alice simply stared at the Dragon, now confirming that it can read her mind. She was shocked that there is a Dragon that speaks and claims to be a Tarot Guardian(what ever that is) and is named “Salazaar”.“Well say something! It’s impolite to stare like that.” Salazaar said, now starting to get impatient.“H… How can you speak?” Alice said in a soft voice.“I’m surprised speak yourself Girl…”“My names Alice thank you.” Alice said, clearly getting some confidence back.“Ah, there’s life in you after all! Good, well now that we have introductions settled lets get going to somewhere sheltered, so then I can explain more of where you are.” Salazaar turned away from her and started to walk away from her. “...And we can talk about getting your memories back... ”“My memories? I guess it’s best to follow him…” Alice thought. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I cannot remember the style for thoughts but i think they are italicized not in quotation marks. They may just be regular. Look it up.)colorc/colorc“Well? Are you coming or not Alice?” shouted the Dragon. Turning to watch Alice get up from the ground, dusted her self off and started to walk towards him carrying the Scythe.“You know, you’re quite small for a Dragon.” Alice said in a distant voice, looking at Salazaar. He would only be a head higher then herself if he stood on to legs, his total length would be two of her including his tail. His colour was completely Black except for his under belly and base of his snout which was a pure white.“Oh this?” Salazaar moved his left wing in a gesture. “I’m only this size so you wouldn’t have to climb a tree to talk to me.” He chuckled, turning away once more to follow the path. Alice shaking her head, followed suit, not knowing that this was just the start of a journey that would fill her life with memories that she will never forget...QuoteEndQuoteEEndThat is all i can do on that one. My brain is almost mush from all the edits. I may analyze the quotes more later. quoteo(post=7670:date=Sep 7 2011, 09:36 PM:name=Raf9900)QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Sep 7 2011, 09:36 PM) quotecBackstory: Aaron is the second son of a small wheat farmer in Canada. Having grown in the countryside, his everyday coloro:#FF0000/colorolife has beencolorc/colorc the same coloro:#FF0000/coloroforcolorc/colorc the last 7 years. Not coloro:#FF0000/colorobeing colorc/colorca very good farmer since the beginning, the only thing coloro:#FF0000/colorothatcolorc/colorc he really appreciate in his life is hunting with coloro:#FF0000/coloroa colorc/colorcbow and arrow. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(add transition here)to the pointcolorc/colorc he coloro:#FF0000/coloroinscribed (inscribed does not work here. Try joined, entered, participated etc..)colorc/colorcin the archery local championship at the age of 15 and got first place coloro:#FF0000/colorooncolorc/colorc his second try. Since then, he trains whenever he coloro:#FF0000/colorocancolorc/colorc in his quest for being coloro:#FF0000/colorostarting from in, it is awkward. Try something along the lines of "to fulfill his quest of being"colorc/colorc the number one archer in Canada. The only problem is that he doesn't knowcoloro:#FF0000/coloro (weak, try: understand, comprehend, etc)colorc/colorc how the rest of the world works; Everything that he knows and does consists basically of religioncoloro:#FF0000/coloro (you never mentioned his religious beliefs or him even being religious. Elaborate before this please.)colorc/colorc, coloro:#FF0000/coloro farmer duties (not mentioned either, you have only talked about his bow.)colorc/colorc and his bow. Because of that, entering the world of dreams was/is going to be something very confusing and hard to do for him, and so will be the championship.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(this last sentence is a little awkward but i am too tired to fix it.)colorc/colorcQuoteEndQuoteEEndIf you did not notice, at the end i was getting really lazy. I may or may not get back to
