joshyface
will change the ones I agree with, but some of them are my character purposely ignoring things/ not telling you shit because he does not want you to k
raf9900
I know, you're probably thinking about how could one not understand such a simple caracter trait. Just don't forget what you've said: Readers are dumb. Or easily annoyed. On a happier note, I'm glad to h
joshyface
rue true, but I don't feel like his details from his former life are important. Therefore, if you really care (you shouldn't) I won't tell you. Adding details about his past wont add anything to the story, my character does think it affect who he is now. He was just showing you what he was thinking at the time of his arri
blackhawkkid
ell finnaly i get to see your finish product josh sry to rush you on that. but overall nice backstory. i cant wait to see how the voting goes when it sta
raf9900
quoteo(post=7695:date=Sep 9 2011, 10:39 PM:name=Josh)QUOTE (Josh @ Sep 9 2011, 10:39 PM) quotecThe Siren:I remember the day the first killing happened, 5 years after I came to the village. A father was killed. I was mortified, how could anyone harm this villagecoloro:#FF0000/coloro? colorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/colorosuchcolorc/colorc a peaceful place. The mayor told us that a creature coloro:#FF0000/colorohad enteredcolorc/colorc in the town. I had never seen anything that could harm me here. I thought I had left the place where I could be harmed. Everyone else seemed to have terror in their faces. It was almost like they knew what was coming. No, they had no idea how horrible it could be.The town hired some bounty hunters to protect them. I was happy father was getting more coloro:#FF0000/coloromoneycolorc/colorc, but scared that the monster might come after him. He told me not to worry, it was after all their duty. I felt bad, a duty that could lead to your demise: a sad way to live.The second round of killings happened within a week. All but one of the bounty hunters was killed. Grace and I did not know him well, but we visited his bedside. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(For a better image, you can describe his wounds a little. I'll explain why in the end.)colorc/colorc"Hey you," he said acting tough. "Shouldn't you be hiding or somethingcoloro:#FF0000/coloro?colorc/colorc"coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I'm starting to think you have a keyboard problem. If you don't, ponctuate with "?" in every question. If you do have one, well, I'm here to help.colorc/colorc"Very funny, Tomas," Grace said. "Now how are you doingcoloro:#FF0000/coloro?colorc/colorc""How does it look like I am doingcoloro:#FF0000/coloro?colorc/colorc" he replied jokingly. "If you keep that attitude, you will never get better," Grace said. "Biology doesn't stop because of my feelings kid."The door opened. Grace and I looked back. The mayor was here. "Hello Mr. Mayor," Tomas said. "I assume you are here to find out what you are dealing with.""You read my mind." The mayor said. Tomas's tone starkly changed. "It will cost you another 500."Five hundred what I thought, I knew he was a bounty hunter but you could not possibly want money. Didn't he become a bounty hunter to protect people. How could he be thinking about at a time like ?Little Richard"I can accommodate that," The mayor said. "Now what kind of monstrosity are we dealing withcoloro:#FF0000/coloro?colorc/colorc"Tomas's turned to us and said. "I think you guys should leave, the adults need to talk."Sometime later, the mayor made an announcement. The town had a siren in it. "Sirens are extremely deadly," he said. "They are a manifestation of a girl's largest desires and it turns her into a hideous monster. We will have a trial for any girl that seems to have suspicious activity because it could be anyone."The trials created a void of happiness. Girls were taken for anything and everything. They were unfair, coloro:#FF0000/colorotakingcolorc/colorc girls for walking alone in the streets. And all of them coloro:#FF0000/colorowerecolorc/colorc executed. Despite all of the efforts, the killings still happened. The town was changed. The peaceful village I once coloro:#FF0000/colorokcolorc/colorcnew, gone like trees loose their leaves each year. But the leaves never grew back.QuoteEndQuoteEEndOverwall: This is a small chapter, so there's not much about it.So far, the storyline is progessing neatly. There a few more gramatic mistakes, and a minor point:Since Sirens are mythological creatures, it's plausible that they have multiple descriptions. While the Greek mithology say they're half bird half human and have a beatiful voice, while in other cultures, mostly western europe, sees them as synonyms for mermaid. If you search for images at google, you find them both. (Also, for me, it doesn't help the word for Siren, while being close in sound, actually means mermaid. There IS no word for Siren in portuguese. That also happens to be true on a handfull of important european languages.) And even Sirens themselfes have great differences in appearance. Because of that rather random problem, a little description on the wounds of that bounty hunter, Tomas (and, later, in the Siren herself) is recommen
joshyface
QUOTE (talonkid13 @ Sep 16 2011, 07:31 PM) quotecwell finally i get to see your finish product josh sry to rush you on that. but overall nice back story. i cant wait to see how the voting goes when it starts.QuoteEndQuoteEEndIt's all cool. I was getting tired of this character by chapter 2, so yeah it was something that needed to get done.quoteo(post=7842:date=Sep 16 2011, 08:11 PM:name=Raf9900)QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Sep 16 2011, 08:11 PM) quotecOk, here's my review on chapter 2. I'll have to do this every dar If I wish to get this to the end before the contest starts.Overwall: This is a small chapter, so there's not much about it.So far, the storyline is progressing neatly. There a few more grammatical mistakes, and a minor point:Since Sirens are mythological creatures, it's plausible that they have multiple descriptions. While the Greek mythology say they're half bird half human and have a beautiful voice, while in other cultures, mostly western Europe, sees them as synonyms for mermaid. If you search for images at Google, you find them both. (Also, for me, it doesn't help the word for Siren, while being close in sound, actually means mermaid. There IS no word for Siren in Portuguese. That also happens to be true on a handful of important European languages.) And even Sirens themselves have great differences in appearance. Because of that rather random problem, a little description on the wounds of that bounty hunter, Tomas (and, later, in the Siren herself) is recommended.QuoteEndQuoteEEndWell I am glad you are enjoying it, it only gets worse after chapter 3. (I was really bored with the character.) Also, I can recreate what sirens are creative freedom. Also, i read it and noticed that the grammar and story gets progressively worst so have
blackhawkkid
ell we have four days till the voting this is getting really interest
joshyface
hy is it going to be interesting? do you have something plan
blackhawkkid
ah it's just everyone is putting thier finishing touches on their characters and i'm in suspense waiting for the vot
dragoonalpha
_Q I may be able to see what's going on here... Curse my study life
wishfulthinking360
name: William Doelgers (but he exclusively goes by Mr. Doelgers)age: 46 character drawing/description: I'm painfully bad at drawing. He's tall and thin, looks to be in his twenties, and has medium-length black hair. He always wears a black fedora, suit top (the style varies; he seems to have an endless supply of them in his Box), black penny loafers, and striped bright pink-green silk pajama pants. He also sometimes wears a trenchcoat. He’s got a dark red tail like a devil’s that spontaneously developed when he first drifted. The tail can extend to about the length of a bus and has a very creepy-looking eye on the spike that he can use not only to see in different places, but also to crudely see people’s thoughts. backstory: Bill Doelgers was born in Dublin, Ireland to an upper-middle-class family. He was always a very kind, motivated, and upstanding boy; this and his great intelligence caused his family to have high hopes for him, though they never pressured him to do anything. They didn’t have to either, because he always excelled and tried new things on his own, though he could never figure out exactly what he wanted to do with his life. He first drifted when he was 9, and after having a fun little adventure and returning home safely he resumed his normal life. (If you’re wondering what he did with his tail, he simply shortened it and hid it in his pants.) He drifted a few more times to several different timelines over the rest of his school days, all of which followed the same routine. He began drifting more and more often once he started university, which he found very curious, but he never had any opportunity to investigate. One day on one of his “trips” he met an old storyteller who told him of a legendary and powerful artifact that would allow the owner to travel to any place they’d been before (including different timelines). After going on a short and dangerous adventure, finding the artifact, and claiming it his own, he discovered that many other powerful artifacts existed, spread out across multiple timelines, and he devoted his life to collecting as many of these as possible. He hasn’t returned home since, which makes him feel guilty at times, so he tries his best to forget about it. Over the years many different drifter’s associations have tried to recruit him, but he turned them all down and eventually avoided long-term social attachment in general. weapon: He has a bunch of artifacts that could cause injury and destruction. See list below. tarot: This guy doesn't have a tarot, per se. personality: He’s very socially and academically intelligent, extremely curious, a bit eccentric, and a bit cocky. His experiences wandering around the timelines left him indifferent, fearless, and lacking a moral code, so he simply does whatever he pleases (which is usually chasing down artifacts and observing things about people and timelines) and makes ethical decisions based on his gut feelings. While interacting with other adults he is naturally friendly, easygoing, and polite, but towards the kids he at first acts quite condescending and thinks that they’re just inexperienced youngsters who are getting ahead of themselves. (Whether he changes his view of them is up to you.) fears: In the back of his mind, he worries about his parents. Were they alarmed when their only son suddenly disappeared one day? How are they getting along without him?magic: There’s nothing intrinsically magical about him except his tail. All his power comes from the artifacts he carries. pets: His tail seems to have a mind of its own, often acting like a playful and loyal snake. extra info: In the list below I describe some of the artifacts as having “owners”. These artifacts somehow bond to certain people (or other intelligent life forms) and act according to their will in certain aspects. They change possession according to rules that can differ from artifact to artifact and that I haven’t bothered to figure out. Also, all of these artifacts are pretty indestructible. You have to use a very large amount of force, powerful magic, or another artifact to break them. Here’s a brain dump of artifacts that I’ve made up for him. You can pick which ones you want to use, modify them, or make up more. Fedora: This was the first artifact he found, and also inspired his signature style of clothing. When he visualizes a specific place and tips his hat, he is instantly transported there, whether the place has changed in appearance or not. He can’t bring other people with him. Timeless Watch: An old-fashioned analog watch with a brown leather strap. It keeps time like any old watch (and sometimes even gets off) but stops the wearer from growing or aging. He found it when he was 24. Box: A “box” that can store an infinite amount of stuff and take the form of any inanimate object with an opening. He usually has it take the form of a pocket on the inside of whatever suit he happens to be wearing. If someone thinks about an object in the box and sticks their hand in, the object will immediately come to their hand. It has a security measure that can be turned off by the owner and causes anyone besides the owner to not be able to reach inside the box (they would instead feel the empty interior of whatever the box was impersonating). The Killer Pen: A pen that causes any living thing that touches its tip to DIE IMMEDIATELY. He used to use it occasionally in desperate battles, but then he lost the cap and couldn’t find any others that fit, so now he never takes it out of the Box. You can also write with it. Red Herring: A rotting red fish that immediately attracts the undivided attention and curiosity of anyone who sees, hears, or smells it. It spontaneously combusts a few minutes after leaving the vicinity of the owner and reappears next to them. The time at which it combusts and the radius and smokiness of the resulting fire can be set beforehand by the owner. Enmity: A small obsidian dagger. Any wound it inflicts will never heal. It cannot injure its owner. Mr. Brutal: A medieval flail that delivers a strong electrical shock to anyone who touches the metal part. Twin Fans: A pair of very large fans that create strong gusts of wind when flapped. He has learned how to use them to fly, though in a rather clumsy and uncontrolled manner. Vuvuzela: A vuvuzela that, when blown, emits an incredibly loud noise and creates a strong gust of wind. Lolly: A large, multicolored, swirly lollipop. Anyone/thing who looks directly at it will essentially be hypnotized and do the owner’s bidding until they fall asleep (which will happen eventually due to fatigue). Anyone who licks it and swallows some of its juice will be knocked out and lose an indefinite amount of memory. Bag O’ Marbles: A bag full of multicolored marbles that do various things to an object a marble is thrown at. These things might include stopping time for several seconds, reversing time, freezing, shocking, melting, setting on fire, dramatically increasing or decreasing size, etc. Marbles disappear after being used. The bag refills itself once a day.-Edit-Ring of Sky/Sea: A silver ring. It either gives the wearer absolute control over weather anywhere in the timeline, or allows them to control water. I haven't decided which it is - it could also be that he has b
joshyface
o you don't, I am just cr
blackhawkkid
ell blank interesting character. i wonder how he'll do in the voting. He is a very interesting character and definently makes it harder for me to decide my two favorites out of the bu
raf9900
@Blank: Wow, talk about crazy prepared. It isn't totally truth what you said at the start: Aaron didn't have a huge or sad backstory, but he is by far the less popular caracter. I mean, to get an opinion I had to ask for it. And they weren't nice. About mr. Doelgers:He is a solid caracter, I'm sure. You didn't need any big problems to make him like that too, witch really stands out. He's a bit too powerful for my taste, but that's nothing the story can't adapt to. I wonder if he ever met Gelyan before... That would (I think) make an interesting introcut
blackhawkkid
af i sure do like that ending but i got no clue as to where you got the numbers. and that leaves me the perfect point to drag him into my story if he makes it i could say that on the trip home he had fallen asleep and awoke in the dream world. top notch raf. good luck to
wishfulthinking360
@Talon and Raf: Thanks. @Raf: It's true that some of his artifacts could make him incredibly overpowered, but those are also the ones that he avoids using as much as possible. He's been doing what he's doing for a while and knows some of the dire consequences that can come with putting too much power in one person's hands (specifically, his). Besides, he only collects the artifacts for the sake of having them, and for the sake of going on some of the crazy adventures that hunting them down entails (badsyntaxI'mverysorry), not in order to gain power or to use them for his own purposes. And yes, I think that would make for quite an interesting interaction. They're similar in many ways, but different as w
raf9900
QUOTE quotecbut those are also the ones that he avoids using as much as possible.QuoteEndQuoteEEndPrecisely. That's why I said that was nothing that the story (or the caracter, in this case) couldn't handle. Of course, the need to be powerful is seldom ignored, almost always used to insert some conflict in the caracter. Just an idea.@talon: Thanks. Since I can't keep a secret, those numbers are exactly the same Hurley used in LOST to win the lottery. According to the series, they are cursed. Everyone around the person who used them starts suffering, while the person becomes unnaturaly lucky. Not that that is very good, since everyone you try to share the luck with ends up dying or permanently crippled. If you want to have him in the story as 18 years old, you can do it. I was planning to have him as 15, cue the name Epilogue, but it's your c
blackhawkkid
a. it is my call it could go either way.either way though it would be interesting. in other news three days till send ins are over and we start voting. good luck to all and have a good ni
blackhawkkid
k i'm only double posting cuz no one else has anything left to say. anyhow it's been quiet these last few days as the contest comes to a close. i suggest if you have unfinished characters to finish them tommorow before bout 6:30. cuz then i'll stop taking new charaters. anyway good luck to all. the pole goes up tommo
