joshyface
oes this mean I do not need to write a personality section. Cause that would be great. (I will probably write it anyway, because I don't trust people with my character.) Also more added to character backgro
blackhawkkid
suppose as long as the back story is long enough to tell us his persona
raf9900
QUOTE (Josh @ Sep 12 2011, 10:48 PM) quotecIt's much better. 1. I actually understand him as a character, at least to an extent. 2. His mother is not a robot3. Since it is all DPOWS, I am just going to assume he had good parts to his life. 4. good job. I don't think I am going to do a full edit of it, because I need to get to night's still. (And despite it being much improved, I can still write an essay. It's not your character though, I do that to everyone. No matter how good a writer.) Plus, my app is only like half done. (I am a really thorough. I feel like I am writing a fanfic with this character. A really obnoxious fanfic.)QuoteEndQuoteEEndYay! It feels great to correct your work based on critique. Btw, I wrote DPOWS, but it's DPOVS actually. Being tired does things to your attention. I'm thinking about doing one or two last tweaks and keep it the way it is. Also, expect my full comment on Lucas as soon as you get him done. And if you did write a fan fic about him, I would go read it in a heartb
blackhawkkid
k so i've been thinking do you guys wanna vote on which characters make it in? or should i choose? or maybe do you guys wanna vote and i'll take the top one and put it in, then i'll choose my two favorites and they will also get in? just wondering course this wont matter till the end of the cont
joshyface
EDIT: @raf, you should probally edit it in parts. And start now. I am pretty busy this week: I have an AP english essay rewrite due tomorrow, the art club board meeting is tomorrow also, my newspaper class needs to send the pages to the printer thursday night (idek how this is going to happen), and friday I need to go to a wake. Basically, the larger the edit you give me the less likely I am to do it. Now if you gave me it in like a few parts, it would make your edits more concise and make me not want to rip my hair out. tha
raf9900
...You removed it, didn't you? Well, it doesn't matter. You decide the rules of this contest, and I'll be happy with anything you cook up with. What I can do is to try to explain some pros and cons of both choices: Should you give people free votes, it would be better if you set some rules and be prepared to fix somethings in case it doesn't turn out well. People voting on themselves or on a single person happens from time to time.Choosing yourself is easier and allows you to chose the caracters that you think it'll be easier to write with. Some people get unsatisfied with results, I warn you.Of course, these things represent little problem here, since I don't think people over here are the kind that will do what I mentioned. But you know, it's better safe than sorry. Mixing it up the way you suggested may be the best option. Just make sure you mention your chosen one(s) before people start voting, because the vote could change some poeple's minds.J@osh: EDIT: Whoops, I skrewed it big time. Forget what I said at this post before. I got completely confused and still manged to look like I understood it (you don't want to know what I understood at the time). Now that I got it, reconsider my answer:Edit it in parts... Not a bad idea. If you think it is better, I'll do that. And yes, my critiques are too lighthearted. I even try to make jokes in them, altough it seems I'm not very good at it. If you want me to go full in, then expect no less. At least I'm completely sure that you won't take it persona
joshyface
QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Sep 13 2011, 06:05 PM) quotecJosh: Ok, I will do that. Altough I wouldn't count on much storyline change from now on, basically because I think (in my always humble opinion) it's pretty good by now. Grammar, however, is always more tricky. I appreciate your help a lot, and I'll do my best to give you little to none work anymore.QuoteEndQuoteEEndWhat? My storyline is good. Blasphemy, I want to kick my charcter's story in the balls. All he does is angst, partially because he is depressed about his past, but also because he is a weak character. He sounds like he is over exaggerating, which it is not suppose to sound like. Also, no give me your harsh critiques. Nobody's writing has ever improved by people not mentioning it's fl
blackhawkkid
mm i think i'll mix it up... half vote half my choice... anyhow i'll wait to set up the vote til the contest is over. I will decide my two favorites three days after the 21st. during those three days you will all be able to vote on your favorite. i would ask then that you dont vote for your own unless you truely think it was the best of all. after that winner is decided i will choose mine and get set to write the next chapter. You should expect that chapter by the next weekend but idk i may have something happening and have to postpone. anyway good luck to
raf9900
@Josh: I had a major misunderstood in last post. I edited it, but maybe it's better to retype it:Edit it in parts... Not a bad idea. If you think it is better, I'll do that. And yes, my critiques are too lighthearted. I even try to make jokes in them, altough it seems I'm not very good at it. If you want me to go full in, then expect no less. At least I'm completely sure that you won't take it persona
joshyface
QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Sep 13 2011, 12:08 PM) quotecYay! It feels great to correct your work based on critique. Btw, I wrote DPOWS, but it's DPOVS actually. Being tired does things to your attention. I'm thinking about doing one or two last tweaks and keep it the way it is. Also, expect my full comment on Lucas as soon as you get him done. And if you did write a fan fic about him, I would go read it in a heartbeat.QuoteEndQuoteEEndA little off topic, how on earth would it be a fanfic. Lucas is an original character, and therefore has no relation to the genesis story. If i did create a full blown story with him, I would cut the tarot part because I only made him have the star because it is a contest for a fan
raf9900
QUOTE (Josh @ Sep 12 2011, 10:48 PM) quotecI feel like I am writing a fanfic with this character. A really obnoxious fanfic.)QuoteEndQuoteEEndI don't know. I was kind of hoping you would tell me
joshyface
ouché, but I think I said fanfic because many fanfictions are well terrible, overdramatic, angsty literature. (If you could count what those fan fics are as literatu
dragoonalpha
ometime tomorrow or the day after I'm going to scan in my drawing of the Scythe Alice is using, if I can find it... I hope I will... Oh and after I do that, you wont see me around as I'll be busy again for the next few days...
joshyface
QUOTE (talonkid13 @ Sep 7 2011, 04:11 PM) quotechere it is my character contest. ok here are the rules this will be up from now till the 21st.QuoteEndQuoteEEndCan I have an extension till the 22nd or 23rd? Cause as I have stated, tomorrow I need to make all the finishing changes to the news section (which could take awhile), Friday I am choosing a story/contacting sources, Saturday I need to contact more sources/do interviews, Monday more interviews, and Tuesday I have to edit my English paper. Umm, yeah and I doubt I will finish my last two sections in two day. I will try to make time for my character, but I may just not have the correct state of mind to actually write t
blackhawkkid
mm josh thats quiet the predicament... but honestly it doesnt change as much as you would think. see the voting is going on till the 24 either way your character will be on the ballet. so even if its not complete it will be on the ballet so that others can vote for it. so no worries j
joshyface
.. That does not make me feel any better. I am presenting an incomplete character during voting. I'll get it d
blackhawkkid
ry josh i set the time limit and i cant exactly change mid con
joshyface
understand. I am planning on finishing the backstory Sunday. It will be a little shorted than planned tho
blackhawkkid
an't wait to see it josh. good luck to every
raf9900
quoteo(post=7695:date=Sep 9 2011, 10:39 PM:name=Josh)QUOTE (Josh @ Sep 9 2011, 10:39 PM) quotecAdolescence: It was simple when it started, I was a lost child looking for comfort. And she provided it. I wanted everything to remain monotonous, safe, uncomplicated. But paradise is never what is seems. ?St. AugustineI was forced here 10 or so years ago. She found me on the beach. It was a black beach, coloro:#FF0000/coloro(you mean a beach with black sand? Black beach is not a very good description since it's uncommom and not particulary famous. People who don't know that specific info might think you're talking about that nudist beach, Black's beach, and get a very confusing mental image.) colorc/colorc crystal clear waters, seagulls flying over head and she was the morning sunrise. She was all I had then. Grace was everything. "Are you okay?" She said with her gorgeous red lips.I nodded confused and wondering where I was. "Umm, okay... well stay there, I'll get help." She ran off flustered. Her blonde hair was all messy and radiant like lightning in an violent thunderstorm. At the time, I couldn't recognize the look in her eyes. His parents coloro:#FF0000/coloroNo onecolorc/colorc never gave me that look. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(calling his parents like that without further explanation is rather confusing. Using the no one is a good indication you're not focusing on his past family, but on him)colorc/colorc She seemed so worried, but how could that becoloro:#FF0000/coloro?colorc/colorc she barely knew me. She must have known. It only makes sense. ---coloro:#FF0000/coloroShe took me to safety, posmising a new home. (You're trying to take off unnecessay information, I see. That often forces people to read twice the same prhase, thus making your work look even longer.)colorc/colorc Grace's father, Mark, was the head of the bounty hunters guild's outpost in whatever-that-town-is-called. (I never bothered to ask and I didn't understand their script at the time.) He was a bulky ex-bounty hunter. Although his exterior was rather intimidating, he was a softie. He once told me how he quit bounty hunting because he didn't want his daughter's father to be gone all the time. I remember the papers Mark signed to make me 'part of the family'. It was comforting that complete strangers could have such profound kindness. The smile on his and Grace's face was brilliant that daycoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc like nothing could ever possibly change. The purest hearts coloro:#FF0000/coloroI wouldcolorc/colorc ever see. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Using superlatives in third person is rather risky - People forget they're reading under one's POV and think they're saints, or something among that line. "I" is always a good reminder.)colorc/colorc?ConfuciusMark taught me how to use his old firearms, brilliant desert eagles. They had a scope that make hitting the target so much easier coloro:#FF0000/coloro(wait, did he ever wield a gun? That way it looks like you're adapting his childhood with skills and events as you write on. However, I'm not sure how you can correct that. Depends wether you want to inform he ever wielded a gun before or not.)colorc/colorc, and if I ever ran out of bullets he taught me how to use the bayonets efficiently. He said the stabbing motion most people have is safer, but using them to slash gives you a lightness. I actually became quite proficient. He called me his young protegee. It made me happy that he was proud of me; it was as he replaced my parents.While me and mark were close, nothing could compare to my relationship with Grace. After only a month, we were attached, she was my best friend. I remember the lava creek we would always hang out by. We tossed rocks into the liquid and watched it burn elegantly. The embers danced and the ballet would not end until grace and I had long been gone. Everything felt so quaint back then.Grace and I had many other pastimes, too. We enjoyed talking to the bounty hunting guild. They were our friends, my friends. Grace especially loved talking to Greg, a veteran bounty hunter. He seemed to keep his liveliness even after everything he had been through. He was someone you go to if you want to learn somethingcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc the person who would tell you what is wrong with you. It made Grace happy to understand how she could improve, she was always trying to improve. "Life is about three things kids," he said. "First, appreciate the life you were given or you will never be happy. Second, love the moment it is less depressing than the whole picture. And third, protect what you care about." coloro:#FF0000/coloro(a-hem, author avatar? that's quite a description for someone that apparently isn't going to appear ever again. You'd be better off with "he was an experienced man, wise and always giving people advice." You can keep the phrase, tough.)colorc/colorcGrace and I were holding hands when he told us this. He couldn't see it, but we were wearing the same bracelet, it was our way of saying coloro:#FF0000/coloro"colorc/colorcI'll protect you.coloro:#FF0000/coloro"colorc/colorc I think I felt this way because she was there, always. I will never let go of those words Greg told me. The words of a true connoisseur of life: relating to everyone and everything. Someone Grace and I looked up to in our bliss. Someone who could make my actions not regrettable.QuoteEndQuoteEEndGeneral thoughts: Your writing is good (better than mine, at the very least), and the use of first person is very useful for explaining your caracter's personality and emotions. It really stands out for the prhases of famous writers/philosofers, an idea very original for this kind of work. However, it isn't clean of plot holes:-First, you made his previous life a complete blank. Since it's more than half of his story, it's just too much to ask people to ignore that much of his life. There are just too many questions. You have two choices right now: One, you can make him tell his story, if in the mid-writing at least not too much far from the start. Two, you can make him block any thoughts of that matter, indicating a harsh life. If you want, he can even be brain washed. But you can't just be like "hey, I decided to explain his life from this point. Pretend he were born while 14-15 years old in a beach." OR you could state that's something you'll write later. It's your choice, really.-Watch out for the Law of consevation of detail. Altough it's considered a little cliché, ignoring it will look like you're not summarizing the plot into important/emotional parts, but rather focusing on random moments and caracters. A little is fine, but don't overdo
