raf9900
Name: Kyle GarnettAge: 15Weapon: Customized Kwan Dao (or Guan Dao): Wide bladed pole arm, with a spearhead on the other tip of the staff. They are, however, almost useless at a fight. That is because both blades are blind, and have the sole funcion of casting spells. That is also his weakness: once he is too tired (read: the mana pool is too low) he won't be of any use anymore.Caracter description: Kyle has a light build, his hair is light brown, short and curly. His eyes, however, are very dark and hard to read. He is tanned and likes to show it: Always wears a tank and short jeans. He also wears sandals and sunglasses, even in cloudy days.Tarot: Kyle's tarot is the tower: Representing hard times, crisis and sudden change.Personality: Shrinking violet meets Jerk with a heart of gold and forms an unique case of Beneath the Mask. At first glance, one would think kyle is a dumb, self-centered cool surfer who is all about girls and never thinks about serious things. That is merely a mask that he wears, since he is in fact too shy to show how his actual personality is like: Nervous, thoughtful and kind hearted, Kyle just apperars to have many friends. Deep down, he is still searching someone that would hear his deep thoughts, suggestions and problems. But before that time comes, Kyle will do his best to keep that mask the way it is. One thing is obvious in both persolaties: He is striving, always putting his best in everything he does.Fears: Due to his story, Kyle is paranoic about chance and luck. He is haunted by anything that could go wrong, and always sees things in the worst way possible.Magic: Kyle is a powerful spellcaster. Using the spear part of his weapon, he can cast bolts of electicity or trust his spear enchanted with lighting at very high speeds. On the other hand, the Guan Dao creates fire where it passes, creating traces of fire and destruction as he spins the weapon. One move completes the other, as the spear is weak but fast, while the Guan Dao is powerful but slow.Backstory:I know there may be one or two holes in this story (Garnets aren't very commom in Italy, for example), but I'm taking little artistic licenses for that. No need to sue me. - EDIT - Got sued nevertheless. First attempt to remove most holes starting now. Inserting the Dramatic Point-of-view scenes, or DPOVS how I shall call them. Everything is better with acronyms, isn't it?Some call it god, some call it fate, some call it luck, and others call it chance. It doesn't matter what rules the living, only that it had unique plans for Kyle Garnett.Kyle was born in Napoles, Italy, in july 1996. He was the only child of a whealty noble family, that made fortune in the gems market, with special distinction over the (You guessed it.) Garnets market: Supporting mining settlements and explorations, other companies could barely keep up and eventually broke. Until he was 5, life seemed like paradise. Every wish of his was attended, whatever he asked was bought immediately. Yes, those were good, calm times. But then it started.-DPOVS 1-The day was cloudy, witch was rather odd after all the hot and sunny days they spent on the beach the last few days. Kyle was playing with his brand new toy story 2 toys: In his own world, the kind and the brave would never find any obstacles, because it was fair. , he realised. However, something grabbed him by the arm. He looked back, annoyed from being called in the real world. Father was there, looking nervous. He was looking everywhere, breathing hard, and seemed to be late for something. Not that it was uncommom; father were always occupied with something.He spoke: "Son, we have to..." He was making pressure on the grab, and Kyle protested."Ow!""I'm sorry. We have to do a trip." Before he could ask where, he completed. "A very, very long trip. But we will return, Kyle. Some day."Pulled by father's hand, he went. They passed through their house, almost running in the long corridors. Kyle noticed this was the first time his father ran inside the house. Soon, they got to the car: It was huge, powerful, and seemed to be father's only toy. Mom was there too. She smiled when her eyes found his, but she seemed also nervous. Why they were like that? Were they setting a surprise for him? His birthday was far away, but there was no other reason...He asked: "Mom, can I take some toys for the trip?" Mom stared Kyle, seeming to think if he deserved it. He weren't a bad boy the past month, so he was sure she would say yes."I'm sorry, honey, but I cannot let you take many toys. Take these two" mom picked up buz and woody, almost if she knew he liked them more. "And I'll let you buy a toy or two during the trip."father looked at mom, looking about to have a talk about manners. She didn't look him at the eyes. And then, as the car started, they went outside. While they moved away from the house, Kyle couldn't help but to wonder how many time would the trip take.-DPOVS end-In that day, he saw his house one last time. Kyle couldn't understand what was happening, but his father was broke. In fact, much before he was born. Unable to pay their lifestile, mr. Garnett started getting more and more loans, hoping his business would come back to life. It didn't. Fleeing with his wife and child, they travelled to mexico, waiting until their name was forgotten.The three years they spent there were miserable. Life was hard, and young Kyle had problems in adapting to this new life style. There were moments where he just refused to wake up and go to school: A desperate protest to go home. In time, he was forced to keep going, even if it was impossible for him to blend in the society, even if he didn't belong here.-DPOVS-The first time he went to school was not an easy task. Everything seemed dirty in that new place; it was too noisy, had too much people and he didn't win any more toys. On top of that, people talked in a funny way he could not understand. Mom said they would be nice with him, but it was a lie. When Kyle entered the small, old school, everyone tried to speak with him. Most seemed questions, but there was no way to know. When he tried to answer, no one understood. They all just kept asking the same: ?Por que hablas estraño? Only many weeks later he could understand what it meant, and only moths later he could answer.The teachers knew very little italian, and they spoke it in a strange way. Most times, no one had a clue of what he was speaking. Slowly, his personality changed. Kyle loved to talk, ask questions and know new things, but not even mom and father, who almost never were at home now, would answer his questions. He became quiet, almost never daring to speak in front of people. And that was not it. It must had been two months since he got in. After the class start fun came to an end, people started to notice him. One kid, Leon, started it all.He asked him once, and he barely translated: "Why are you so quiet?""Me no quiet. I not spoke spanish.""You're funny! Why can't you talk right?""I not funny! I talk right. In Italy." Kyle didn't understand why he though he was funny."Funny Italian!" He spoke in a mocking tone. Soon others joined him. "Funny Italian! Funny Italian!"The prank took months to end, but he learned the lession: He could not be annoyed by them. He had to be the one to annoy. By the end of the three years, Kyle became the terror of the class, always making everyone hate him by his attitude. It felt good. Hated or not, he was now the superior, and people had to listen to him.-DPOVS end-Of course, life still had more for him. His father finally assumed that their name was now history, and that they could travel to the USA to have a better life. But they couldn't afford the risk of being stopped by the customs. Their only choice was to enter the country illegally. They paid a special company to transport and create fake paperwork for them; First they took Kyle and his mother. Both reached miami safely after a full week of harsh transport and poor living conditions.Then they waited for Kyle's father. A day, a week, a month. He didn't came. Long after, the news arrived: Mr. garnett was "found" by some transporting company trying to enter the USA. He was taken to Italy, then sued and arrested. The search for his wife and child was still ongoing. After that, it only got worse. His mother was working the whole day at countless jobs, while he went to school as Kyle Smith. This time, however, he was determined in blending in. From that moment on, he put on his mask; Kyle Smith was not Kyle Garnet, but someone else.-DPOVS-On one of the few moments mom was around, she took him to the school. She had cried a lot since the news came. He would too, but it didn't happen: His life was too unused to that.When in the gates she spoke in italian: "Go ahead, Kyle. Mom is working as hard as she can to make sure you get a good formation. Work hard, and you will live well. Whose who deserve a good life always get it.""But, mom, then why is dad in jail? He was good, right?" he answered in spanish, out of custom. A slap hit his face, and the place it hit seemed to burn."Don't forget the respect for your language, Kyle Garnett!" Se seemed annoyed by the question, not by the language. "Father was good. Never doubt that. Now go; and be nice."That wasn't an option. When Kyle entered school, he was more confident: Even tough he did not spoke much of english, it was easier to learn; The month he had preparing himself would prove itself very useful. As soon as he reached the school, they started asking him the same questions. Ignoring them, he started to annoy everyone. It wasn't long before people knew and hate him. Kyle was on the top again. That was, until the first test results came."Nerd!" One boy screamed, looking at Kyle's perfect score in math. "Mr. funny guy is a nerd!" Soon, people started to make fun of him again. It was completely different, more serious. They grouped up on him. Often it came down to fights; he had no chance on his own. Often coming home crying, Kyle spent his lone afternoons struggling to find a way to be happy. And that was when he found surf. Being good at that sport somehow seemed to make one immune to mockery; the surfers protected themselfes, were respected even if they had good score at school, and spoke in a funny way. Striving to fit in, Kyle soon became outstanding between the surfers. He also became the new Kyle Smith: Copying the new 'friends', he learned how to only speak about himself, how to look dumb, how to 'be cool'. Life seemed a little easier.-DPOVS end-By the time he was 13, the final unulucky event came; The crisis stroke. His mother got fired from a job, because they were "reducing the costs". As the time passed, she got kicked out of two, three, four jobs. With nowhere to run into, they got kicked out of their apartment. Desperate and hopeless, Ms. Garnett, no Ms. Smith was forced to quit all the jobs: She couldn't afford clothing, transport, or anything like that. Kyle, on the other hand, was able to mask that fact in lies and excuses. But then, the fateful day came.-DPOVS-Kyle got in the alley they where forced to live in. Mom was sleeping, like she seemed to always be lately. He sat besided her, and pat the back, waiting for an answer. It had been one week since they got kicked out, and she was still thinking about some way to get back on their feet. But he was worried. She was starting to have symptoms of depression, like many girls back at school. He had to be carefulShe finally awoke: "Ugh.""Hello, mom. I hope you had a nice day." Avoiding making past mistakes again, he was speaking in italian."No, I haven't. But we need to be strong. How was your day?""Actually, pretty nice." He had to take a shot at, or he would never find it out. "I... I asked a girl out. And she said yes.""So young... The kids these days." Her vision was unfocused. "Take good care of her.""Actually, I wanted to know if you had any money to lend me. I have to pay her dinner.""Kyle. You know we don't have any of it." Her tone was heavy, but full of sorrow. "Oh, the money, so easy to win, so easy to loose... And so important to people." She wasn't looking at anything again. Kyle nodded and hug her. She said one last thing: "promise me one last thing, my son." It was like she knew what was about to happen. "promise that you will learn from your parents' mistakes. Do not forget us."Kyle nodded, saying "I promise." Surprisingly, tears started to fell. He kept repeating those words, in an attempt to make things better.-DPOVS end-After that moment, things went completely down the hole. His mother became mentally ill. Unsure what to do, he took his mom to a local asylum, hoping they could keep her. He heard only empty words from everyone in there and left, unsure if he just gave a last chance for his mother, of if he had just killed her. He showed up in an orphanage, carrying only his ID and some old clothes. In what peraphs was the only lucky moment of his whole life, the lady who took care of the place took pity on him, and let he stay there as long as he helped the local employees. Using skill and lies, he is able up to keep this a secret up to today, living what now is his only life. Finally settling down, there is only one last goal in Kyle's mind: The epilogueJust FYI, this is a point-if view too. Just not Kyle's.Mr. Garnett was observing patiently through the security glass. Apparently, he had a visit. Since anxiety took the best of him, seconds seemed to be hours. Probably his lawyer, informing how his case was going. However, it never took so long. When Mr. Garnett was considering about ripping his hair out, someone came in. The person was dressed neatly, but it wasn't him. He sat, admiring his eyes like if he were god. The last he was looked upon like this, it was..."Kyle?" He asked, the voice so low even himself didn't hear completely."Father." Kyle grinned haply. Mr. Garnett, on the other hand, was trying his best not to go hug his son. He tried to look a little more imposing; after all, fathers couldn't show any weakness."Speak to me. What happened in miami?"Kyle began to explain everything. How mother started in many jobs, how they started to adapt, how they were hit by the crisis. When he started to talk about his mother, tears came and soon he wasn't speaking, but sobbing."It''s ok son. It's ok. You know where she is now?"I don't." Kyle managed to say. "I tried to put her on an asylum, but... But..." He started to cry again. "I need to tell you. She might be dead."Calm down, son. recompose yourself: As a garnett, you need to be strong." It took a few seconds for him to stop sobbing. He asked: "But what heppened to you then? How did you get here?" Mr. Garnett was doing his best not to look worried or curious. The less emotions he displayed, the easier it would be for his son to recover."I started to live in an orphanage, and doing my best to go well in school." He answered. "But, last month, when I was starting university in economics, something happened." He smiled. "I won the lottery. Can you believe this luck?" That was enough to break Mr. Garnett's mask; He was soon looking completely shocked. "It's so ironic it hurts," he continued. "I just entered there, put the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 on a little piece of paper and I won millions. Of all that could happen... Well, I soon became an shareholder. Using most of my money, I've been wining more even tough everyone around me seems to be losing most of their money."Most of it?' Mr. Garnett asked. "What did you use with did rest?""I paid your bail, father. We're free to go home now." His smile went even larger, if that was impossible. He started to laugh. "Did you hear me, dad? The trip is over. We can go home now!" Soon enough, he was laughing with his son. It was over. They had finally been through it all. , he tough, He took a look at his watch. It had been more than 13 years since it all started. And now it would end. His life would now restart, at december 20th of 2012.-The end-Ok, his backtory got a whole lot bigger. I tried to correct as much errors as I could. I know the big holes in the story were only partially fixed, but I cannot think how else can I develop his fathers, explain fake paperwork and put more context in the firing without extending this story even further. I hope I have (at least) fixed all previous minor errors, the "set free" problem (altough things got a lot darker) and the hole number three. I hope this is bet
joshyface
quoteo(post=7749:date=Sep 11 2011, 02:17 PM:name=Raf9900)QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Sep 11 2011, 02:17 PM) quotecBackstory:Some call it god, some call it fate, some call it luck, and others call it chance. It doesn't matter what rules the living, only that it had unique plans for Kyle Garnett. coloro:#FF0000/coloroAnd, as the kid would find out, "unique" was not a good sign. (I think this is a useless sentence. It feels like you are over working the exposition.)colorc/colorcKyle was born in Napoles, Italy, in July 1996. He was the only child of a wealthy noble family, that made fortune in the gems market, specially (Guess what?) garnets coloro:#FF0000/coloro(any specific reason for garnets, is it because they represent a healthy business. Or perhaps, because of their 'healing powers'.) colorc/colorcsince a long time ago. Until he was 5, life seemed like paradise. Every wish of his was attended, whatever he asked was bought immediately. Yes, those were good, calm times. But then it started.In a common daycoloro:#FF0000/coloro(This feels awkward, can you mess around with the words? "In a common day" sounds weird in my opinion.)colorc/colorc, his dad took him off his toys. The confused Kyle didn't understandcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(you do not need "confused" and "did not understand" : they are synonyms. I personally would get rid of "the confused kyle cause it sounds weird anyway.colorc/colorc what was happening, but his father was broke. In fact, coloro:#FF0000/colorosincecolorc/colorc much before he was born. Unable to pay their lifestyle, Mr. Garnett started getting more and more loans, hoping coloro:#FF0000/colorohiscolorc/colorc business would come back to life. It didn't. Fleeing with his wife and child, they traveled to Mexico, waiting until their name was forgotten.coloro:#FF0000/coloroThecolorc/colorc three years they spent therecoloro:#FF0000/coloro, in total misery were miserablecolorc/colorc. Life was hard, and young Kyle had problems in adapting to this new life style. There were moments wcoloro:#FF0000/colorohcolorc/colorcere he just refused to wake up and go to schoolcoloro:#FF0000/coloro:colorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/coloroincolorc/colorc a desperate protest to go home. In time, he was forced to keep going, even if it was impossible for him to blend in the society, even if he didn't belong coloro:#FF0000/colorotcolorc/colorchere.Of course, life still had more for him. His father finally assumed that their name was now history, and that they could travel to the USA coloro:#FF0000/colorotocolorc/colorc have a better life. But they coloro:#FF0000/colorojustcolorc/colorc couldn't afford the risk of being stopped by the customs. Their only choice was to enter the country illegally. They paid a special company to transport them; coloro:#FF0000/colorofcolorc/colorcirst they took Kyle and his mother. Both reached Miami safely after a full week of harsh transport and poor living conditions.Then they waited for Kyle's father. A day, a week, a month. He didn't came. Long after, the news arrived: Mr. Garnett was "found" by some transporting company trying to enter the USA. He was taken to Italy, then sued and arrested. The search for his wife and child was still ongoing. After that, it only got worse. His mother was working the whole day coloro:#FF0000/coloroatcolorc/colorc countless jobs, while he went to school as Kyle Smith. This time, however, he was determined in blending in. From that moment on, he put on his mask; Kyle Smith was not Kyle Garnet, but someone else.By the time he was 13, the final unlucky event came; The crisis stroke, and his mother got fired in almost every job she was working on.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Wait, wait, wait. How on earth does she fired from every job she had? Were they discovered; was she a shit worker; did all companies she worked for go bankrupt? You can't just say that she was fired and expect me not to want an explanation. Ambiguity is good, this is not. She works more than one job, there has to be a reason all of them fired her. And did they all fire her on the same day? I NEED CONTEXT, ASSUME YOUR READERS ARE DUMB OR THAT THEY ARE EASILY ANNOYED LIKE ME.)colorc/colorc With nowhere to run into, they got kicked out of their house. Desperate and hopeless, Ms. Garnett had to sell the apartment coloro:#FF0000/coloro(No, you cannot sell an apartment, because you do not own an apartment. People rent apartments, it is not theirs to sell. Also you just said they were kicked out of their house. Did they live somewhere else in Miami before the apartment? This whole part is dumb: you can't be kicked out and then sell, the world does not work this way.) colorc/colorcand live in the streets. Without any money and worrying about the future of her only son, she decided it was better for him to be set free. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(SET FREE?!?!? What does that even mean? Is it something like "hey son, I can't support you. Therefore I am a failure and am going to abandon you." Their is a difference between orphaning someone and setting them free. And how old is he, 13? This is such a Not to mention that it sounds like something religious death ceremony or something.)colorc/colorc The words she spoke will never leave his mind: "Go, you are free. Staying with me will only bring you pain and suffering. coloro:#FF0000/coloro"hey son, being I am a shit parent. Therefore I am going to orphan you, so you can have a barley livable life. Have fun alone."colorc/colorc Your life is only up to your decisions, but promise me one thing: coloro:#FF0000/coloroyou will colorc/colorclearn from your parents' mistakes. Do not forget us." coloro:#FF0000/coloro(The mother sounds monotone to me. Make her sound like she is grieving over this. It couldn't of been an easy choice. Make her sound more realistic.)colorc/colorcAnd by saying "I promise", Kyle went. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. He had a mask, a name to protect. And here he is nowadays, living in a state orphanage, and studying for school the best he can. And, of course, coloro:#FF0000/coloropretending to blend in blending incolorc/colorc. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(How can he even live in a state orphanage, he isn't a citizen. Does he have fake papers. Orphanages don't take just anybody you have to be a citizen or papers. He would most likely be deported if he went there, explain.)colorc/colorcQuoteEndQuoteEEndIt is better than your first entry, but it has massive holes: 1. The parents are never developed, and at this point I don't think they care about their son. If that is what you were going for than okay, but I highly doubt you were.2. How on earth are you fired from all of your jobs? This can't happen overnight, there has to be more to it. 3. Your story does not really give us any context to your characters personality. (Actually, at this point I don't think he has one.) Add some introspection on his part. He can't just think: 'I need to fit in or I will be kicked out of the country.)4. He seems to be able to do things like a normal US citizen, but we have no mention of him having paperwork. I am sorry to break your bubble, but most aliens do not have fake paperw
day&night
weapon: Enchanted claws: On his left hand, a long glove stretches to his upper arm, and at the hand, 5 thin blades sprout from his fingers. These blades stretch 20 centimeters, and are made of dull black metal. On his right hand, he carries a nondescript straight staff of oak.character drawing/description: He is a clockwork, an artificial intelligence made of gears. His face is behind a triangular mask of the same metal as his claws, with one blue green eye showing from a slit, while the other is a dark abyss of nothingness. He wears a long black cloak which covers his body. His outfit underneath is reminiscent of a butler uniform. His hair is spikes out towards the back(think anime hair), and is entirely black. He looks similar to a human, but no one knows what is exactly under his skin, as his creator is gone/dead. He stands at 5'6, and looks painfully thin. Oddly enough, his outfit is always clean.age: From what he has explained, he is over 100 years old, but looks 15 at the most. He has been functioning only recently, about 4 years ago.personality:He is calm, quiet, unfeeling, a picture of a killer automaton. He is known as Crow by the mythology, a creature that feeds and heralds death to where it goes. He doesn't talk, but understands what people say. Instead of talking, he writes it down, possibly because he cannot talk. He seems to be very intelligent, but will not always follow orders. Despite his reputation, there are rumors that he has left many Targets alive.fears: n/amagic: He can create illusions of himself and Envy, as well as nearby objects and even other people. He uses this deception to land quick strikes while the enemy is confused.Partner: Crow uses a Sin, an embodiment of the 7 Sins that has manifested to the Dream World. These Sins are extremely strong, rivaling even Tarots in power. He uses the Envy Sin. Envy is almost a twin to Crow, but looks taller, less thin than Crow, has longer blades, and his hair goes to his shoulders instead of stopping just on the neck. Envy also speaks, his voice which could be Crow's, but improved. He speaks in a high voice but soft voice, almost sounding like a shy child. His tone and demeanor is very polite. He's polite to the point that he would apologize for killing you, then burning the body, so "you won't make a mess after you're dead."extra info: Crow is in a secret society which counter the Warden of the Tale. The society is made up of only 7 members, each which carry a Sin. He also carries a small journal, which he keeps to himself. Here is an excerpt of a page, which was found lying loose next to the former Sin's body.I'm not sure of anything anymore..... I can't remember anything, except working in a strange building full of smoke, sounds of crying and screaming all around me. That.....and a smile....a smile full of warmth and sadness.....a smile that says "goodbye." I can't see the face, but I know that smile was feminine, and meant something to me. I can't remember from that time....I only remember wandering in a forest, being attacked by creatures, killing them...finding a person that was known as Drake......(1st. entry)backstory: No one is very sure about his past. He does not speak to the other members, and anyone who has tried to find out met dead ends and shadows. The only thing the Society know is that he is a clockwork, as was explained by the leader, and he excels at fighting and killing. He was activated only 4 years from the present, but has absorbed knowledge at a very fast and inhuman speed. He has always worn his outfit, except the cape which was a new addition.Alignment: Evil NeutralEDIT: Will add more stuff later, and improve it. Oh and I'm keeping a lot of stuff under wraps for suspense and foreshadowing, in case I want to use him(or explain via
