blackhawkkid
iswording that i still havent fixed there josh. anyhow does it clear some stuff up now ? ill change the first one in a second h
joshyface
EDIT: It is reasonable enough for me not to care tho
blackhawkkid
osh i've editted up the first chapter dont have time to do it completely but i'll try to fix your problems as they raze some good poi
joshyface
think the most pressing matter is this: "I REFUSE TO EDIT THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH UNTIL YOU SEPARATE IT INTO MORE MANAGEABLE SECTIONS. THIS IS DUMB: you can split this into at least three paragraphs, there is no need for this wall. Also you are giving so much detail. Give me some imagery: something more interesting than 'he did this. then that one did that. etc.' Imagery makes the passage more rateable to you audience.&q
blackhawkkid
will josh your my first full edit on this chapter. i will fix it i just need some t
EternalLurker
Or rather, I to read this one, but all I got out of it was:Someone: "Wow, these new guys are quite strong!"Someone else: "Holy crap, they're really strong!"Another person: "Oh my god, they're beating up a dragon! SO STRONG!"The new guys: "Hey everyone. We're <insert alliterative name pair here>. We're really strong."Narrator: "Stay tuned for part 3, wherein our resident Gary Stus show up the main cast some more!"I didn't miss anything, di
raf9900
ou've got a rather curious interpretation, I'v got to give that to you. So funny how first impressions can ruin a work... And people still ask themselves how can a book/film/series can start off so well and then degenerate into something bad. As long as the start is good, the end doesn't seem to matter much. Not that there's nothing anyone can do about it. Just
blackhawkkid
L... if your gonna make fun of my work then dont read it. if you dont like it what do i care. besides i'm still working on it work in prog
joshyface
have said this before. If someone puts somethign on the internet, he or she should expect critiques, and not always in a nice
blackhawkkid
a i can take a critique about the way i write but not bout the story it self thats not critique thats slamming my st
raf9900
In case you're wondering, Talon, what exactly IS a marty stu, (I don't blame ya; I didn't know until very recently) it is the masculine version of the Mary sue. (Also didn't know). This article can help just about anyone, because it's completely possible for an inexperienced fan fiction writer, such as you or me, to write them accidentally.Here's the most important thing you should know about Mary Sues (and Marty Stus):quoteoQUOTE quotecThe second thing you need to understand is what a Mary Sue is. A Mary Sue is an audience reaction to a series of events that strongly suggests that the author herself is unduly favoring a character by changing other characters or the environment in inappropriate ways. When the audience calls "Mary Sue" on a character, the author has shattered their Willing Suspension of Disbelief.QuoteEndQuoteEEndQuoted directly from TV tropes. Like I said, it's not too late for you. I really suggest you look at
blackhawkkid
AHHHHHHHH! ok i'm going to say this kindly. i'm not making them overly powerful for no reason. they are made that way for a darn good reason. OK? if you wait i was gonna explain that during the third chapter. the reason they are so powerful is because they can do a certain thing that they are going to teach the group. ok? now i'm just a tad irritated tonight cuz i'm tired. so plz understand i'm not favoring them they are that powerful for a reason important to the p
raf9900
Renember, I'm not here in this thread to call your caracters this or that. I'm here to make sure less friendly people won't do that. I'm pretty sure Josh is is by my side on this, but we'll hear about it soon eno
blackhawkkid
'm planning on changing them a bit but i dont have the time at the moment once i'm on the weekend i'll be able to edit it up. like i said before work in progress. i'm still working i just need some t
joshyface
gt;.> I am here so he can get it right. I will rinse and repeat as much as I see fit. I think there are more pressing issues at the moment, though. His two ridiculously powerful characters are not in my priorities yet. I am more worried about him understanding the characters in Ge.ne
blackhawkkid
QUOTE (talonkid13 @ Sep 29 2011, 07:31 PM) quoteci'm planning on changing them a bit but i dont have the time at the moment once i'm on the weekend i'll be able to edit it up. like i said before sizeo:7/sizeowork in progress.sizec/sizec i'm still working i just need some time.QuoteEndQuoteEEndi'll emphasize it this time for added effect.
raf9900
@Josh: That's what I hate about the whole Mary Sue/Marty Stu thing; They end up relating to themselves in the worst possible way. And there's when the solution comes in: when you make the caracters with the right caracterization, the problem vanis
joshyface
QUOTE (talonkid13 @ Sep 29 2011, 08:34 PM) quoteci'll emphasize it this time for added effect.QuoteEndQuoteEEndWhy are you getting so angry at this? I don't understand, do you not want my help? The story will never improve unless you allow others to have a medium in which to critique it. And we, at the moment, are focusing on a non-flattering part of
blackhawkkid
o thats not what i meant. i'm just saying i'm getting to it. i need a good full hour of editing to get things fixed up a
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