blackhawkkid
Gelyan awoke suddenly, he had felt it again. He got up and walked around the camp, searching for the source of his discomfort. He had this feeling like someone was watching them for some time now and he just couldnt shake the feeling. It had been a week since the unusual girl attacked and mortally wounded Reciful, and they returned to the crystal field and the group had finished off their memory drifting, they were now sleeping by the fire. They hadn't gone through the gates with esis's key as they had discovered something truely odd. They weren't waking up in the real world when they went to sleep. Even gelyan didn't know what was happening. They were now trying to find a sure way back to the real world. Everyone but Gelyan was still asleep. Even though he didn't see anyone around, he just couldn't shake the feeling that something or someone was watching them. Gelyan finally lay back down on the ground, only to stay awake till the sun rose. At dawn the girls were still asleep, so Gelyan picked up hydra and decided to take a look around. An hour of searching and he had nothing to show for it. As he walked back towards the camp, Gelyan heard something crack under his foot. He lifted his foot to find the source of the sound and there split in two on the ground was a black feather. He picked it up and studied it a bit. Gelyan decided he would see if Emi knew what it was when the girls awoke.From his perch high up in an abandoned cloud hopper nest the figure stood, watching the four people most interesting in this world so far. Kallen had been watching them since their first arrival in this world. He himself had come into this world the same way they had, drifting. Even without the fact that he was a drifter Kallen had always been an odd person. Quiet in school, always trying to blend in, no one seemed to notice when he went "home" early. Kallen was a mutant he had no idea how it happened or why but he was. Kallen had wings, black feathery wings. He tended to stay quiet in his home town in New York City; he spent little time around others. Kallen had drifted off to sleep in a hammock in the forest several miles from NYC where he lived. That's when Kallen drifted to this world where he made his first friend... "Kallen I?m-Kallen whipped around pulling one of his two double edged blades out of its sheath and swinging it to where the voice came from ?Ugh, Kaz why do you have to sneak up on me like that? I just about took your head off! ?Kallen yelled at Kaz as he lowered his sword. ?Because, it?s so fricking hilarious to spook you" Kaz said as he rolled on the floor laughing. ?Urgh fine just keep quiet I don't want them to hear us." Kallen said in a hushed voice as he turned back to the camp.Nera awoke from her deep sleep and sat up with a yawn. Neraine thought to herself." Sisi wake up" Nera said grabbing Sisily's shoulder and lightly shaking her. "Hmm?" Sisi said still half asleep" Nera-jie what do you want it?s a little early isn?t it?" "Yeah I know but I can?t find Gelyan maybe we should... "I'm right here Nera." Gelyan said walking back into camp. ?Gelyan where were you?" The now awake Emi said brushing her hair out to its full length. "I was just taking a look around, I thought I heard someone, oh and I found something a little ways out, I was wondering if you could identify it." Gelyan said pulling the jet black feather out of his back pocket and holding it up. Emi took the feather from Gelyan and looked it over for a while leaving the others to get their things together. "Hmm I've never seen this kind of feather before. I'm not sure what dropped it." Emi said handing the feather back to Gelyan. "Could it be from another world?"Sisi asked as she picked her warp blade up off from off the ground where she had left it. The large blade glistened in the morning sun showing off its colors. ?I suppose it could be from any world." Emi said as she put on her hair ribbons and her hair began to lift herself into the air. "Hmm I wonder what kind of bird dropped this feather. ?Nera said looking at the feather as she lifted her twin swords Gemini up off the ground. "I suppose we should get moving to Acronia" Emi said to the rest of the group. ?Ok Emi-jie lead the way." Off the group went still utterly unaware of the two sets of eyes watching them."Hmm they're moving on, perhaps we should wait for them to get a little out of the area before following" Kallen said as he unfurled his wings with a small snap. "Ugh fine." Kaz said as he finished cleaning Marauder his two foot long jet black sword. Kaz then melded into Kallen?s shadow. Kallen then gave one mighty flap of his jet black wings and took off. Kallen then used his hawk level vision to watch the group as they walked away staying a good mile or so away from them but still in his range of sight.Sisily's feet ached as they trudged over ice and snow. "Emi-jie where are we going? Can we take a rest I'm tired?"Sisily said in a slightly whiny tone. "Yeah where are we going Emi?" Nera asked. "I suppose you deserve an answer to your question." Emi said turning to the group. "Lets take a rest and I'll tell you the story. Gely sat down on a frozen stone across from Emi, Sisi sat down on the icy ground and waited intently for Emi to begin, Nera leaned on one of her swords and waited for Emi to speak. ?To tell you where we're going I need to teach you some history- "Emi duck!" Gelyan yelled as he lifted hydra and fired off the blob of white jelly that he had kept loaded since the night before. The sticky blob that splattered all over the tree narrowly missed kallen's right arm. By the time Kallen had thought back to the person who fired the shot Emi had an enormous orb of lightning aimed straight at his head and the others were right beside her. "Well isn't this a pickle." Kallen said as he studied the group. "who are you and why have you been following us?" Gelyan asked as he aimed hydra for kallen?s head. "Kaz I could use a little help here!" Kallen yelled to nowhere in particular. ?Oh so you got caught? Nice job kallen, I told you they would notice if you were this close." Kaz said as he materialized out of Kallen's shadow and raised marauder. "Well this should be fun."Kaz said. Just then Gelyan fired off at kallen with a barrage of bullets. But something stood in front of his shot. The evil cackle of Kaz's tarot Jackal ripped through the air. His dark form not even flinching at the blow. ?Shall we start the fun Kaz?" Jackal asked. "NO!" Kallen yelled. "I don't want to have to kill any of you." "Everyone stop!"Nera yelled.... A few moments of silence followed this; this lasted until a shadow flew over them. It wasn't Kallen?s. When the enormous beast landed everyone turned slowly towards it. On the ground beside the tree a dragon had landed its head just poking above the treetop to look at all of them.well thats chapter one i hope you enjoyed i'll have more later so keep watch.plz hold nothing back critique my work and let me know i'll check this page about once every day so i should be able to take your questions and critiques and get back to you. ty for reading my first fanfiction i hope you enjoyed it the first chap
raf9900
You see, i though the text was quite hard to read. That is mainly (if not only) because of the lack of commas ( , ), witch sped up the reading too much for one to enjoy. If you put some commas here and there, the writing itself would be good.About the storyline, I see it has potential. The start renembers me of chamomile's story, but there's not enough just yet to see if you're sliding in the right direction. I'd recomend you try to work on the caracter development, but that might just be me. The tarots and their meanings should help you to do so.All in all, you seem like a good fan fic writer. I'll hang around to see what's next, count on
blackhawkkid
P.S. i'm holding character development back till the next chapter hope you enjoy the s
macfluffers
There are some things that I won't mention in the text because it comes up too often to mention every time. Here:-CAPITALIZE! Capitalization isn't something that just be ignored, it's extremely important for the English language. This is especially the case with names, both of people and objects.-Shorter sentences are better. Long sentences can leave the reader lost in the words. If a sentence needs to be long, break it up with punctuation such as commas and semi colons (only where appropriate, of course).-Grammar problems in general. Just reread it more careful, and you'll probably pick them up.-Your spelling isn't all that bad, but you should run your stuff through a spellchecker.The professor's comments are in red, naturally.quoteo(post=7537:date=Aug 25 2011, 07:06 PM:name=talonkid13)QUOTE (talonkid13 @ Aug 25 2011, 07:06 PM) quotecGelyan woke with a start, he had felt it again. he got up and looked around the camp, searching for something, he didn't know what but something. Of course he didn't find anything as always. coloro:#FF0000/coloroHere's our first problem: vagueness. Ambiguity is a wonderful tool in the hands of a writer...when it's done intentionally. Here, it isn't. What is Gelyan looking for? "...around the camp..."? Does that mean he was checking out the perimeter? Or was he scanning the ground for something? As we read on, it's obvious that he was looking for something observing the party, but that shouldn't be confusing. I thought he was looking for an object on the ground, which made "Of course...as always," a very confusing sentence.colorc/colorc It had been a week since the group defeated Reciful and finished of their memory driftings, they were now laying around the fire. everyone but Gelyan was still asleep. Even though he didn't see anyone around , he just couldn't shake the feeling that something or someone was watching them. Gelyan finally laid back down on the ground, only to stay awake till morning came. When morning came coloro:#FF0000/coloro"...till morning came. When morning came..." is a bit awkward. You could say "...till morning came. At dawn, Gelyan picked up..." or something along those lines. Point is, repeating "morning came" within a word of itself is awkward.colorc/colorc and the girls were still asleep Gelyan picked up hydra and decided to take a look around. A hour of searching and he had nothing to show for it. as he walked back towards the camp gelyan accidentally stepped on something. a black feather. he picked it up and decided he would show it to Emi when the girls awoke. coloro:#FF0000/coloroThe mantra of the writer is "show, don't tell." Obviously, this cannot be taken too far, but it's still a good code to write by. You can simply us that Gelyan stepped on something, but that's boring. How about letting us know by giving us a description of the event? Here's something that works: "As he walked back towards the camp, Gelyan heard something snap beneath his step. He lifted his foot to see a black feather broken on the ground. With a tired grunt, he bent his knees to pick up and examine the feather closely. After a moment of thought, he considered the idea that Emi might know something about it, and decided to show it to her when she awoke."colorc/colorcFrom his perch high up in an abandoned cloud hopper nest the figure stood watching the three people most interesting in this world so far. Kallen had been watching them since their first arrival in this world. He himself had come into this world the same way they had. drifting. coloro:#FF0000/coloro"...had. drifting." should be "...had, drifting." Commas are your friend.colorc/colorc Even without the fact that he was a drifter Kallen had always been an odd person. Quiet in school having been the one person no one seemed to notice then going home to what he could hardly call home. coloro:#FF0000/coloroThis sentence is especially long, even for you. This needs a ton of commas, and even if you threw in commas, there's some clunky language. "...having been the one person no one seemed to notice then going home..." and ""...to what he could hardly call home," are both wordy phrases that could be said muuuuch better. Here's a possible revision: "Kallen was a taciturn person, and that made him widely unnoticed. Teachers in school didn't even realize he was gone when he decided to go 'home' early." Notice how the quotes around "home" show that calling it a home is misleading, allowing you to cut out an entire phrase. This lets you keep the complexity of the original sentence with much less wordiness and greater clarity.colorc/colorc Kallen was a mutant, his parents left him in the forest at the age of five, and by a miracle he had survived on his own. Kallen had wings black feathery wings. He tended to stay quiet in his home town in New York City, spending little time around others. Kallen had drifted off to sleep in a hamoc in the forest when he drifted to this world where he made his first friend... coloro:#FF0000/coloroNot so split hairs, but if he's from NYC, then where was he chilling out in a hammock? That said, nice use of a narrative ellipsis. Normally it's hard to use, but it works well leading into dialogue.colorc/colorc "Kallen why are you watching these people we should be finding our way out of here" Kallen's fellow drifter kaz said as he formed out of the shadows behind Kallen. coloro:#FF0000/coloroNew dialogue should start new paragraphs. It makes it easier to read. There are some exceptions, but they are too few to care about, and whether those exceptions are done in new paragraphs versus kept in the old ones are purely a stylistic choice, meaning that starting new paragraphs is never wrong.colorc/colorc Kallen whipped around pulling one of his two double edged blades out of its sheath and swinging it to where the voice came from coloro:#FF0000/coloroKaz's line is quite long for Kallen for how Kallen's reacting. Think about it: if Kallen had any decent reflexes, he'd have drawn his weapon after Kaz said his name instead of waiting four seconds.colorc/colorc " Ugh kaz why do you have to sneak up on me like that i just about took your head off! " kallen yelled at kaz as he lowered his sword. " Because, its so fricking hilarious to spook you" kaz said as he rolled on the floor laughing. " Urgh fine just keep quiet i don't want them to hear us." Kallen said in a hushed voice as he turned back to the camp.Nera awoke form her deep sleep and sat up with a yawn. Neraine thought to herself." Sisi wake up" Nera said grabbing Sisily's shoulder and lightly shaking her. "Hmm?" Sisi said still half asleep" nera-jie what do you want its a little early isnt it?" coloro:#FF0000/coloroI really like the lingual touch. 你说及阅读中文吗?colorc/colorc "yeah i know but i cant find gelyan maybe we should... "I'm right here nera." gelyan said walking back into camp. " gelyan where were you?" the now awake emi said brushing her hair out to its full length. "I was just taking a look around i thought i heard someone, o and i found something a little ways out and i was wondering if you could identify it." gelyan said pulling the feather out of his back pocket and holding it up. emi took the feather from gelyan and looked it over for a while leaving the others to get their things together. "hmm i've never seen this kind of feather before, i don't even think think its from this world." coloro:#FF0000/coloroHow would she know that? I find it easy to believe that she knows a bit about feathers, considering her people have wings for hair, and they live near a large community of large bird creatures. But at most, she's just an expert of the world she lives in. She doesn't know any more about cross dimensional travel than a random person from our world would.colorc/colorc emi said handing the feather back to gelyan. "hmm? what do you mean emi? do you mean this might be from our world?" sisi asked as she picked up her warp blade from the ground where she had left it. The large blade glistened in the morning sun showing off its colors. "Yes sisi i think it may be but it could be from any world i suppose." emi said as she put on her hair ribbons and her hair began to lift her into the air. "hmm i wonder what kind of bird dropped this feather." nera said looking at the feather as she lifted her twin swords gemini up off the ground. "i suppose we should get moving to acronia" emi said to the rest of the group. " ok emi-jie lead the way." Off the group went still utterly unaware of the two sets of eyes watching them. coloro:#FF0000/coloroSame problem with the dialogue here: new line, new paragraph.colorc/colorc"hmm they're moving on, perhaps we should wait for them to get a little out of the area before following" coloro:#FF0000/coloroThis should be two sentences: put a period where the comma is.colorc/colorc kallen said as he unfurled his wings with a small snap. "ugh fine." kaz said as he finished cleaning Marauder his two foot long jet black sword. Kaz then melded into kallens shadow as he had done a thousand times before. coloro:#FF0000/coloroThe fact that he's doing it so casually already shows that he does it regularly. The "thousand times before" bit is redundant.colorc/colorc Kallen then gave one mighty flap of his jet black wings and took off. kallen then used his hawk level vision to watch the group as they walked always staying a good mile or so away from them but still in sight of them.Sisily's feet ached as they trudged over ice and snow. "Emi-jie where are we going? can we take a rest i'm tired?"sisily said in a slightly whiny tone. "yeah where are we going emi?" nera asked. "i suppose you deserve an answer to your question." emi said turning to the group."lets take a rest and i'll tell you the story. Gely sat down on a frozen stone across from emi, sisi sat down on the icy ground and waited intently for emi to begin, nera leaned on one of her swords and waited for emi to begin. " to tell you where we're going i need to teach you some history- "Emi duck!" gelyan yelled as he lifted hydra and fired off the blob of white jelly that would stick the enemy in place. coloro:#FF0000/coloroWe already know what Jelly shot does. And even if we didn't, we could guess. Telling us that the attack would hold the defender in place is unnecessary, and in action scenes, trimming the fat is very important.colorc/colorc kallen narrowly avoided the blob that splattered all over the tree he was in. coloro:#FF0000/coloroI'd switch this sentence around: "The blob splattered all over the tree, narrowly missing Kallen, who had been standing in it.colorc/colorc By the time kallen had thought back to the person who fired the shot Emi had an enormous orb of lightning aimed straight at his head and the others were right beside her."Well isn't this a pickle." kallen said as he studied the group." shut up and tell us why you've been following us!" gelyan yelled as he aimed hydra for kallens head."Kaz i could use a little help here!" kallen yelled to no where in particular." oh so you got caught? nice job kallen, i told you you where gonna get caught." kaz said as he materialized out of kallen's shadow and raised his sword."well this should be fun."kaz said.Just then gelyan fired off at kallen with a barage of bullets. but something stood in front of his shot."muahahaha" the evil cackle of kaz's tarot jackle coloro:#FF0000/coloroWhat's a "Jackle"? The other tarots are based on tarot cards. It's not a big deal, but it's odd to have one that isn't.colorc/colorc ripped through the air." shall we start the fun kaz?" jackle asked. "NO!" kallen yelled. "I don't want to have to kill any of you." "Everyone stop!"nera yelled.... a few moments of silence followed this, this lasted until a shadow flew over them. it wasn't kallens. when the large beast landed everyone turned slowly towards it. On the very edge of the tree a dragon had landed. coloro:#FF0000/coloroIf it's so big, how can it land on a tree branch?colorc/colorcwell thats chapter one i hope you enjoyed i'll have more later so keep watch.plz hold nothing back critique my work and let me know i'll check this page about once every day so i should be able to take your questions and critiques and get back to you. ty for reading my first fanfiction i hope you enjoyed it the first chapter.QuoteEndQuoteEEndSome thoughts on the story in general:You have a good opener. It sets up some action, and provides some background and personality into the original characters.Your pacing is good. You didn't try to blitz us with in media res, but you also didn't take forever to give us some action. You also ended on a cliffhanger (which could have been better, but was a nice effort), and that sets us up nicely for the next part.Your fight scene direction needs improvement, but you have the basic ideas down.Now for the bad news: Kallen's background is terrible. So far, he doesn't seem all that Mary Sue-ish, but that background screams Sue. Social outcast? Check. Parentless? Check. Absurdly unique features? Check, and it counts double because they're wings. [b]Black[/i] wings.I've seen worse, but it still is cause for concern. Firstly, if Kallen is from our world, why is he a mutant with wings? You're introducing radical elements into a setting you haven't designed. Sometimes that pays off, but in this case, it's unnecessary. The alternate timeline doesn't play by the rules of our universe, so he can have wings there; they could be his weapon, from his tarot, or something like that. Or maybe the wings grew after he took a potion. Point is, you had choices, and you picked the one that threw a wrench into the setting.Next is the traumatic history. There's nothing wrong with a character with a sad background. In fact, it's great for certain characters. But with Kallen, it's partly unrealistic, and partly (and more importantly), melodramatic. You mention how nobody at school noticed when he wasn't there as if it were something to care about. Not being noticed isn't significant trauma. If it were describing how simple or boring he was, it would make sense, but in the context of trauma, it doesn't.As for his parents, his abandonment is too glossed over. The reader is force-fed the information that his parents are terrible people who abandoned him--and then there's no context or development to wash it down. If this is an important part of his character, it should have been discussed at greater length, and at a later time when we are more invested in him, not right away. If it isn't an important part of his character, but you want to mention it anyway, that's fine, but again, it should be done later. Long story short, backstories with meat on them shouldn't be given to the player right away. We should learn about the character through his words and actions, and his or her history should be shown to us later so that we can understand why that character acts the way he or she does. Show, don't tell.Basically, Kallen's backstory is trying too hard. I suggest toning it down a notch. Besides, we should be learning about Kallen through what he does and what he says, not through half a paragraph of history.Again, sorry if I seem harsh, I'm just trying to tell you what's wrong in the clearest way I can. I'll continue to critique your writing if you'd like me to.On a side note, I'm getting motivated to continue writing my 'fic now. I haven't worked on it in a y
blackhawkkid
o and kaz and jackle also come from that old game but jackle wasnt a tarot then he was kaz's second form a more powerful version of him that could in turn when put at full strength could anhialate the earth in seconds.i'm gonna edit this up quite a bit thx for the critique plz write more on the later chapters your input is awesomeP.S. kallen was mutant on earth thus he attempted to disapear no matter where he was. he was mutant simply because of something that happened to one of his parents that changed kallens genetic code this was found out later in kallens
macfluffers
/smile.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":)" border="0" alt="smile.gif
mokona96
his story has the possibility of becoming good. It has the bones, you just need to flesh it out. I didn't quite finish it (again), but other than the mistakes in grammar and punctuation, I liked it. I don't think there's much criticism I can give that hasn't already been said. Good work, and keep practis
blackhawkkid
y for your input mokona i've been attempting to edit it a tad from time to time i'll probably get the next chapter up before and or by next satu
wishfulthinking360
I liked the story and characters. There are a few grammatical/stylistic errors, as several people have pointed out already, but barring that it was pretty good. But...Did ANYONE else notice that the same exact story was copied twice? Anyone? At first when I started reading the second copy I thought it was like inception or something. If this wasn't intentional, which I think it probably wasn't, I don't think it'd hurt to delete the second c
blackhawkkid
: oopsies sry bout that blank it's the way i posted i type it on word and the paste it to here on accident i must have forgotten to delete the old copy first i'll fix it right
joshyface
Grammar.Everything else will be marked in the story. Also I formatted it how I prefer it. Cause I cannot be bothered to learn your methods. Also I want you to read all my comments before you copy and paste it somewhere. You lose full effect if you don't. quoteo(post=7537:date=Aug 25 2011, 05:06 PM:name=talonkid13)QUOTE (talonkid13 @ Aug 25 2011, 05:06 PM) quotecGelyan woke with a start,coloro:#FF0000/coloro(huh? I have no idea what that means.)colorc/colorc he had felt it again. He got up and walked around the camp, searching for somethingcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(Can you be any more vague?)colorc/colorc, he didn't know what but something.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(does not excuse what I said before. Ambiguity is good, this is not.)colorc/colorc Of course he didn't find anything as coloro:#FF0000/coloroalways usual. (It's a grammar and style issue to use always there.)colorc/colorc It had been a week since the group defeated Recifulcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(You are assuming they beat Reciful, where is your proof. Unless, you are talking about Esis beating him. I will except this assumption though as it appears necessary for your story.)colorc/colorc and finished off their memory coloro:#FF0000/colorodrifting (Spelling is important.)colorc/colorc, they were now laying around the fire.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Weren't they already sleeping around the fireplace, I assume. Only Gely was moving around. So I am gonna mark that as pronoun use issues.)colorc/colorc Everyone but Gelyan was still asleep. Even though he didn't see anyone around, he just couldn't shake the feeling that something or someone coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Why could you not state he felt like they were being lost in the second sentence. There is a difference between looking for something and someone.)colorc/colorcwas watching them. Gelyan finally lay back down on the ground, only to stay awake till morning camecoloro:#FF0000/coloro (AWKWARD: I hate your word choice. Morning came. why not something like the "until the sun rose" or "sunrise"colorc/colorc. At dawn the girls were still asleep, so Gelyan picked up hydra and decided to take a look around. An hour of searching and he had nothing to show for it. As he walked back towards the campcoloro:#FF0000/coloro, (That is something called a transition, they require commas after them.)colorc/colorc Gelyan heard something crack under his foot. He lifted his foot to find the source of the sound and there split in two on the ground was a black feather. He picked it up and studied it a bit. Gelyan decided he would see if Emi knew what it was when the girls awoke.coloro:#FF0000/coloroGelyan decided, when the girls awoke, he would see if Emi knew what it was. (I think that sounds better because otherwise, it is lost.colorc/colorccoloro:#FF0000/coloroI would add a vignette here but Idk this transition kinda works.colorc/colorcFrom his perch high up in an abandoned cloud hopper nest the figure stood, watching the three coloro:#FF0000/coloro(does he not count emi as interesting? To each his own, I guess?)colorc/colorcpeople most interesting in this world so far. Kallen had been watching them since their first arrival in this world. He himself had come into this world the same way they had, drifting. Even without the fact that he was a drifter Kallen had always been an odd person. Quiet in school, always trying to blend in, no one seemed to notice when he went "home" early. Kallen was a mutant. His parents had in a one out of a million chance the wrong genetics this caused Kallen's odd mutation to occur. Kallen had wings, black feathery wings. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Okay, it is a little hard to believe a normal human mutation gave him wings. Also, how did he get past gym class? Did they know he had wings, cause if the media got to this story. Yeah.)colorc/colorcHe tended to stay quiet in his home town in New York City; he spent little time around others. Kallen had drifted off to sleep in a hammock in the forest several miles from NYC where he lived. That's when Kallen drifted to this world where he made his first friend... coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I quite enjoy this ellipses.)colorc/colorc "Kallen I?mcoloro:#FF0000/coloro?" (BTW the dash you want is available by pressing Alt-151)colorc/colorcKallen whipped around pulling one of his two double edged blades out of its sheath and swinging it to where the voice came fromcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc ?Ugh Kazcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc why do you have to sneak up on me like thatcoloro:#FF0000/coloro?colorc/colorc I just about took your head offcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,"colorc/colorc Kallen yelled at Kaz as he lowered his sword. ?Because, it?s so fricking hilarious to spook youcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc" Kaz said as he rolled on the floor laughing. ?Urgh fine just keep quiet I don't want them to hear us." Kallen said in a hushed voice as he turned back to the camp.Nera awoke from her deep sleep and sat up with a yawn. Neraine thought to herself. "Sisi wake up" Nera said grabbing Sisily's shoulder and lightly shaking her. "Hmm?" Sisi said still half asleep "Nera-jie what do you want it?s a little early isn?t it?" "Yeah I know but I can?t find Gelyan maybe we should...coloro:#FF0000/coloro"colorc/colorc "I'm right here Nera." Gelyan said walking back into camp. ?Gelyancoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc where were you?" The now awake Emi said brushing her hair out to its full length. "I was just taking a look aroundcoloro:#FF0000/coloro:colorc/colorc I thought I heard someonecoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/coloroOhcolorc/colorc and I found something a little ways outcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/coloroandcolorc/colorc I was wondering if you could identify it." Gelyan said pulling the jet black feather out of his back pocketcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc holding it up. Emi took the feather from Gelyan and looked it over for a while leaving the others to get their things together. "Hmm I've never seen this kind of feather before. I'm not sure what dropped it." Emi said handing the feather back to Gelyan. "Could it be from another world?" Sisi asked as she picked her warp blade up off from off the ground where she had left it. The large blade glistened in the morning sun showing off its colors. ?I suppose it could be from any world." Emi said as she put on her hair ribbons and her hair began to lift coloro:#FF0000/coloroherselfcolorc/colorc into the air. "Hmm I wonder what kind of bird dropped this feather.coloro:#FF0000/coloro"colorc/colorc Nera said looking at the feather as she lifted her twin swords Gemini up off the ground. "I suppose we should get moving to Acroniacoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc" Emi said to the rest of the group. ?coloro:#FF0000/coloroOkay,colorc/colorc Emi-jie lead the way." Off the group went still utterly unaware of the two sets of eyes watching them."Hmm they're moving on, perhaps we should wait for them to get a little out of the area before following" Kallen said as he unfurled his wings with a small snap. "Ugh fine." Kaz said as he finished cleaning Marauder his two foot long jet black sword. Kaz then melded into Kallen?s shadow. Kallen then gave one mighty flap of his jet black wings and took off. Kallen then used his hawk level vision to watch the group as they walked away staying a good mile or so away from them but still in his range of sight.Sisily's feet ached as they trudged over ice and snow. "Emi-jie where are we going? Can we take a rest I'm tired?" Sisily said in a slightly whiny tone. "Yeah where are we going Emi?" Nera asked. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(when did emi decide anything for the group?)colorc/colorc "I suppose you deserve an answer to your question." Emi said turning to the group. "Lets take a rest and I'll tell you the story.coloro:#FF0000/coloro"colorc/colorc Gely sat down on a frozen stone across from Emi, Sisi sat down on the icy ground and waited intently for Emi to begin, Nera leaned on one of her swords and waited for Emi to speak. ?To tell you where we're going I need to teach you some historycoloro:#FF0000/coloro?"colorc/colorc "Emi duck!" Gelyan yelled as he lifted hydra and fired off the blob of white jelly that he had kept loaded since the night before. The sticky blob that splattered all over the tree narrowly missed Kallen's right arm. By the time Kallen had thought back to the person who fired the shot Emi had an enormous orb of lightning aimed straight at his head and the others were right beside her. "Well isn't this a pickle." Kallen said as he studied the group. "Shut upcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc and tell us why you've been following us!"coloro:#FF0000/coloro (For some reason I imagine Gely being more collective than this. Maybe because he is a manipulative bastard? Just maybe. AKA I am saying Gely should be more smooth than that.)colorc/colorc Gelyan yelled as he aimed hydra for Kallen?s head. "Kaz I could use a little help here!" Kallen yelled to nowhere in particular. ?Oh so you got caught? Nice job Kallen, I told you they would notice if you were this close." Kaz said as he materialized out of Kallen's shadow and raised marauder. "Well this should be fun."Kaz said. Just then Gelyan fired off at Kallen with a barrage of bullets. But something stood in front of his shot.coloro:#FF0000/coloro"Muahahaha" You state he laughs in three words. No need for both.colorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/coloroTcolorc/colorche evil cackle of Kaz's tarot Jackal ripped through the air. His dark form not even flinching at the blow. ?Shall we start the fun coloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorcKaz?" Jackal asked. "NO!" Kallen yelled. "I don't want to have to kill any of you." coloro:#FF0000/coloroTcolorc/colorche sweet voice of the High Priestess rippled through Neraine's mind. Nera asked. "Everyone stop!" Nera yelled.... A few moments of silence followed this; this lasted until a shadow flew over them. It wasn't Kallen?s. When the enormous beast landedcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc everyone turned slowly towards it. On the ground beside the treecoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc a dragon had landedcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc its head just poking above the treetop to look at all of them.QuoteEndQuoteEEndThere. Now, gogogogog
blackhawkkid
mm. well josh two things. this is pretty darn thurough and i thank you for that. and i think i may have pasted the wrong copy possibly i'll look into it. o and i'll go ahead and edit what i think should be changed. ty for you critique its always nice to refine my w
joshyface
quoteo(post=7537:date=Aug 25 2011, 05:06 PM:name=talonkid13)QUOTE (talonkid13 @ Aug 25 2011, 05:06 PM) quotecGelyan awoke suddenly, he had felt it again. He got up and walked around the camp, searching for the source of his discomfort. He had this feeling like someone was watching them for some time now and he just couldn't shake the feeling. It had been a week since esis attacked and mortally wounded Reciful coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Okay, so you just established they are not in Emi's world. I hope you fixed emi then.)colorc/colorcand the group had finished off their memory drifting, coloro:#FF0000/coloro (This is something called a comma splice. And I do not approve of you breaking grammar, unless it was intentional. Or if you are me, and too lazy to end with a period, like a normal person. ALSO: the short version of how to fix the splice: change the comma to a semicolon or period. I would use a period here.)colorc/colorc they were now sleeping by the fire. Everyone but coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I would use 'except' over 'but' in this scenario because I know you are going to use 'but' many more times.) colorc/colorcGelyan was still asleep. Even though he didn't see anyone around, he just couldn't shake the feeling coloro:#FF0000/colorothat (unneeded word.)colorc/colorc something or coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Is it really needed to make us think it could be a robot without a gender? I doubt it, get rid of it.)colorc/colorc someone was watching them. Gelyan finally lay back down on the ground, only to stay awake till the sun rosecoloro:#FF0000/coloro (you can make this one word: sunrise.)colorc/colorc. At dawn the girls were still asleep, so Gelyan picked up hydra and decided to take a look around. Ancoloro:#FF0000/coloroothercolorc/colorc hour of searchingcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc and he had nothing to show for it. As he walked back towards the camp, Gelyan heard something crack under his foot. He lifted his foot to find the source of the sound and there split in two on the ground was a black feather. He picked it up and studied it a bit. Gelyan decided he would see if Emi knew what it was when the girls awoke. The figure stood from his perchcoloro:#FF0000/coloroedcolorc/colorc high up in an abandoned cloud hoppercoloro:#FF0000/coloro'scolorc/colorc nestcoloro:#FF0000/coloro"It had been a week since esis attacked and mortally wounded Reciful"(...............FIX)colorc/colorc, watching the four people most interesting in this world socoloro:#FF0000/coloro(I prefer 'thus' more than 'so'. I know this is something minor, but I am a nut)colorc/colorc far. Kallen had been watching them since their first arrival in this world. He himself had come into this world the same way they had, drifting. Even without the fact that he was a driftercoloro:#FF0000/coloroNO. THAT IS SO AWKWARD. change to: "Despite that fact," Also make a new paragraph. You are talking about his past here, not his stalking.colorc/colorc Kallen had always been an odd person. Quiet in school, always trying to blend in, no one seemed to notice when he went "home" early. Kallen was a mutant he had no idea how it happened or whycoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc but he was. Kallen had wings, black feathery wings. He tended to stay quiet in his home town in New York City coloro:#FF0000/coloro(A. new york city is not a town: it is a city. B. AWK. Change and I will tell you if I approve. I do not want to write your story for you.colorc/colorc; he spent little time around others.coloro:#FF0000/coloro (we get it, he is a loner. No need to tell us this anymore, it is becoming redundant.)colorc/colorc Kallen had drifted off to sleep in a hammock in the forest several miles from NYC where he lived.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(? I thought he lived in a town, not a nature preserve. Get your facts straight.)colorc/colorc That's when Kallen drifted to this world where he made his first friend... "Kallen I?mcoloro:#FF0000/coloro?" (WHY DID YOU NOT FIX THIS? I AM UNHAPPY.)colorc/colorc Kallen whipped around pulling one of his two double edged blades out of its sheath and swinging it to where the voice came fromcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc?Ugh, Kazcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc why do you have to sneak up on me like that? I just about took your head off! ?Kallen yelled at Kaz as coloro:#FF0000/coloro(unnecessary, you give tell us who kallen is talking to in the quote.colorc/colorche lowered his sword. "Because, it?s so fricking hilarious to spook youcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc" Kaz said as he rolled on the floor laughing. coloro:#FF0000/colorothey are on a tree.... where is this floor you are talking about? Maybe change it to "kaz laughed," and leave it at that.colorc/colorc ?Urghcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc fine just keep quietcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc I don't want them to hear us." Kallen said in a hushed voice as he turned back tocoloro:#FF0000/colorowardscolorc/colorc the camp.Nera awoke from her deep sleep coloro:#FF0000/coloroand,colorc/colorc sat up, coloro:#FF0000/colorowith aandcolorc/colorc yawncoloro:#FF0000/coloroedcolorc/colorc. Neraine thought to herself. "Sisicoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc wake upcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc" Nera saidcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc grabbing Sisily's shoulder and lightly shaking her. "Hmm?" Sisi said still half asleepcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc "Nera-jiecoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc what do you want it?s a little early isn?t it?" "Yeah I know but I can?t find Gelyan maybe we shouldcoloro:#FF0000/coloro?"colorc/colorc "I'm right here Nera." Gelyan said walking back into camp. ?Gelyan where were you?" The now awake coloro:#FF0000/coloroI think we know she is awake. She is talking after all.colorc/colorcEmi said brushing her hair out to its full length. "I was just taking a look aroundcoloro:#FF0000/coloro;colorc/colorc I thought I heard someonecoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/coloroOcolorc/colorch and I found something a little ways outcoloro:#FF0000/coloro;colorc/colorc I was wondering if you could identify it."coloro:#FF0000/coloroThis whole quote was comma splices.colorc/colorc Gelyan said pulling the jet black feather out of his back pocket and holding it up. Emi took the feather from Gelyancoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc and looked it over for a while leaving the others to get their things together. "Hmm I've never seen this kind of feather before. I'm not sure what dropped it." Emi said handing the feather back to Gelyan. "Could it be from another world?" Sisi asked as she picked her warp blade up off from off the ground where she had left it. The large blade glistened in the morning sun showing off its colors. ?I suppose it could be from any world." Emi said as she put on her hair ribbons and her hair began to lift herself into the air. "Hmm I wonder what kind of bird dropped this feather." coloro:#FF0000/colorowho said this, I mean i know it is most likely gely, but there are four people in this conversation. Most of which seemed to be wondering the same thing. colorc/colorc ?Nera said looking at the feather as she lifted her twin swords Gemini up off the ground.coloro:#FF0000/coloroWait, did nera say that, if so combine these two paragraphs.colorc/colorc"I supposecoloro:#FF0000/coloroWe should go to acrinia comes out of nowhere. add a transition before it.colorc/colorc we should get moving to Acronia" Emi said to the rest of the group. ?Ok Emi-jie lead the way."coloro:#FF0000/colorofor some reason I doubt nera said this. But redardless, who said it. Did they all say it? Gely? Nera? Sisi? a tarot?colorc/colorc Off the group went still utterly unaware of the two sets of eyes watching them.coloro:#FF0000/coloroThis quote kinda comes out of nothing. Add a tansitional paragrapn before, just a sentense or two.colorc/colorc"Hmm they're moving on, perhaps we should wait for them to get a little out of the area before following" Kallen said as he unfurled his wings with a small snap. "Ugh fine." Kaz said as he finished cleaning Marauder his two foot long jet black sword. Kaz then melded into Kallen?s shadow. Kallen then gave one mighty flap of his jet black wings and took off. Kallen then used his hawk level vision to watch the group as they walked away staying a good mile or so away from them but still in his range of sight. coloro:#FF0000/coloro three of these senteces have the same structure. VARY THE STRUCTURE OR THE READER GET BORED.colorc/colorcSisily's feet ached as they trudged over ice and snow. coloro:#FF0000/colorothis is good imagrey, I wish you used this more often. Make me sympathize with them.colorc/colorc "Emi-jie where are we going? Can we take a rest I'm tired?" Sisily said in a slightly whiny tone.coloro:#FF0000/coloroyou have already stated they are going to achromia. Make her ask something different. Then fix the dialouge accordingly.colorc/colorc "Yeah where are we going Emi?" Nera asked. "I suppose you deserve an answer to your question." Emi said turning to the group. "Lets take a rest and I'll tell you the story." Gely sat down on a frozen stone across from Emi, Sisi sat down on the icy ground and waited intently for Emi to begin, Nera leaned on one of her swords and waited for Emi to speak. ?To tell you where we're going I need to teach you some historycoloro:#FF0000/coloro?"colorc/colorc"Emi duck!" Gelyan yelled as he lifted hydra and fired off the blob of white jelly that he had kept loaded since the night before. The sticky blob that splattered all over the tree narrowly missed kallen's right arm. By the time Kallen had thought back to the person who fired the shot Emi had an enormous orb of lightning aimed straight at his head and the others were right beside her. "Well isn't this a pickle." Kallen said as he studied the group. "Who are you and why have you been following us?" Gelyan asked as he aimed hydra for kallen?s head. "Kaz I could use a little help here!" Kallen yelled to nowhere in particular. Oh so you got caught? Nice job Kallen, I told you they would notice if you were this close." Kaz said as he materialized out of Kallen's shadow and raised marauder. "Well this should be fun."Kaz said. Just then Gelyan fired off at kallen with a barrage of bullets. But something stood in front of his shot. The evil cackle of Kaz's tarot Jackal ripped through the air. His dark form not even flinching at the blow. Shall we start the fun Kaz?" Jackal asked. "NO!" Kallen yelled. "I don't want to have to kill any of you." the sweet voice of the High Priestess rippled through Neraine's mind. Nera asked."Everyone stop!"Nera yelled.... A few moments of silence followed this; this lasted until a shadow flew over them. It wasn't Kallen?s. When the enormous beast landed everyone turned slowly towards it. On the ground beside the tree a dragon had landed its head just poking above the treetop to look at all of them.QuoteEndQuote
blackhawkkid
P.S. I cannot figure out the friggen dash what is alt-151?P.S.S. I would reread it one more time. i edited something that i was gonna explain sometime later but i guess i forgot to explain it in the first place so
joshyface
"On personal computers running the Microsoft Windows or DOS operating systems, additional characters to those available in the current keyboard layout can be typed using an Alt code: pressing and holding the Alt key while entering a character code with the keyboard's numeric keypad."Basically, hold alt and while keeping it down type 0
raf9900
ait? Something plot important? Where? chapter one or two? You can do that once or twice, but please don't overdo it. People who started reading it might get really confu
blackhawkkid
irst chapter. like i said i was gonna explain very very soon but josh keeps bugging me on the subj
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