quoteo(post=8393:date=Oct 4 2011, 07:09 PM:name=Raf9900)QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Oct 4 2011, 07:09 PM) quotecNo matter. I'm working at the edit (slowly), but the prologue should be done soon. I hope that this is the last edit on that prologue, otherwise I might snap and delete the whole thing. I mean, an edit that isn't Josh edit on my edit. That I'll accept gladly.QuoteEndQuoteEEndI actually enjoyed many of the concepts in the prologue. The organization is interesting and works quite well. Your writing is good. The only real complaint I have is nothing is happening, which is fine, but the reader needs something to grab onto then. I think you just need to make the events sound more interesting, despite the simplicity of the events.
joshyface
Also will finish editing this later. I got started. quoteo(post=7445:date=Aug 13 2011, 08:41 PM:name=Raf9900)QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Aug 13 2011, 08:41 PM) quotecsizeo:2/sizeoChapter 1: Sea of towerssizec/sizecSisily woke up first. She was in a grey, hard floorcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(This makes it sound like she is literally in a floor. Like stuck in a floor. change in to on or make it something better.colorc/colorc and as her blind coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I understand your concept of personifying the hands in this instance, but it just sounds kinda strange. I would change it to something like: "blind her hands frantically looked for [insert what ever she is looking for here]."colorc/colorchands looked for some basiscoloro:#FF0000/coloro (basis is a weird word choice)colorc/colorc on the surface, they found itcoloro:#FF0000/coloro: tcolorc/colorche warp blade. Using the sword to get up, she almost bumped with her tarot, the magician.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Okay I like how you introduce him, but can you make the sentence more flowy? does that make sense? if not, tell me.)colorc/colorc The two of them were on top of a small tower, with a precarious ledge. The tower was also so tall they couldn?t see the ground.coloro:#FF0000/coloroThey can't see the floor, why would the be able to see the ground below. Also you could make this so much better. Do not copy this, but something like: "As sisi looked towards the ground she started to become dizzy, she used the sword to regain her balance." Do you see how that sounds much more interesting than "the tower was so tall they could not see the ground."colorc/colorc Other silhouettescoloro:#FF0000/coloroIDK WHAT YOUR SUBJECT EVEN IS? this comes out of nowhere. TRANSITIONS IN PARAGRAPHS ARE NICE, thank you.colorc/colorc that were alike stood still there, alone and sad. The rest? It was all grey fog.?Hey, wormy!? Sisi couldn?t help but to give her giant earthworm buddy a hug. He used his staff to push her away. ?No touching, or you?ll end up as smoky ash. Good thing you woke up! I?m itching for a fight.coloro:#FF0000/coloro (I don't think the magician looks for fights. He is more clever than that, but I guess you could interpret his lines in the game as inciting violence.)colorc/colorc Can we wake up your friends?coloro:#FF0000/coloroThey are sleeping in the dream world. You cannot wake them up? they would just like fall on the ground in public or something weird. I think entering the dream world happens when they fall asleep in the real world. Actually according to WoG it does. Sooo, yeah idk how to fix that. colorc/colorc" Sisily looked around. Gely and Nera were sleeping? And, oddly enough, their tarots were watching.?Hey, wormy? Do you guys always watch us like that? It?s a little creepy???Someone has to take care of your bodies while you sleep.??While we sleep? But we are asleep!??There?s certain knowledge that isn?t meant to everyone. Look." The green boy is waking up too.? He pointed to Gelyan, who was slowly waking up. After looking around, Gely said: ?Hey Sisi?? His voice was still sleepy. ?Guess it happened again. Oh well, I better get used to it. coloro:#FF0000/colorogely's arrival when they met him was voluntary. He is already use to doing this. He actually has the most experience doing it of any of them in the group. colorc/colorcLook who?s up too?? Nera just had gone up. Unlike the other two, she wasn?t too happy to be back there. ?Urgh? Here we go again. I really thought this was over.??Nera, why are you so angry?? Sisi asked. ?There are so much squishy things here! I love this place.? Neraine just turned her head in disapproval. coloro:#FF0000/coloroWho is saying this nera or sisi. If it is nera do not put the disapproval because it just confuses the reader. If it is nera, make a new paragraph.colorc/colorc?Oh, Gely, I was thinking? Why, when we wake up, our bodies stay here? I was watching you two, and it was kinda weird???Sorry Sisi, but there?s just no way to figure that out. Apparently, we all seem to ?sleep? and ?awake? at the same time. No one knows why.? coloro:#FF0000/colorothis is way too blatant. You can subtly give the reader information in quotes, but these seems forced and kinda unneeded information. At the moment, at least.colorc/colorc?What happens if we die here?? Asked Nera, seemingly out of the blue.coloro:#FF0000/colorotoo blatant.colorc/colorc?How am I supposed to know? There? no way to figure that out. Anything could happen to us. We might even die on real life.?coloro:#FF0000/colorosame problem as beforecolorc/colorc?That looks so bad!? Said Sisily. ?But why don?t we have to eat, drink, or even pee here?? It was a little silly, even for her. But after she got going, it was hard to stop. coloro:#FF0000/coloroYou are pouring information at the reader in this section. These observations can be made throughout the exposition of your story.colorc/colorc?Ok, you two got enough chatting.? Neraine interrupted. ?Unexpected or not, I want to know why are we here. Gelyan, do you have any clue??After watching the sky for some time, and looking closely into the floor, Gelyan said he recognized this place. There were some members of the Wardens there; He also noted they might want to join their cause. The way he said that, tough, was a little concerning. coloro:#FF0000/coloroWHY ON EARTH YOU WOULD THE A MEMBER OF THE WARDEN WANT TO JOIN THEIR GROUP. THEY ARE AGAINST THE WORLDS EXISTENCE, AND THE GROUP WOULD NOT LET THEM DESTROY IT. SO BASICALLY, THEY HAVE OPPOSING GOALS AND CANNOT WORK TOGETHER. IT MAKES NO SENSE.colorc/colorc?C?mon Gely, spit it up!? Spokecoloro:#FF0000/coloro I am disappointed in your word choice here, change it to yell or something with more connotation than spoke. nera never just merely speaks, actually most characters don't merely speak. colorc/colorc Nera. ?What is the problem???You always get me, don?t you? They are in a group of three. Two of them are ok, but there?s one guy that bothers me. We might as well have to fight him.?coloro:#FF0000/coloroWait, okay I need to get some setting stuff straight. They are after the first game, but before wings, right. And i think you have stated that the way you want it to work is they go their everytime they sleep. But they have only been here once before. Therefore, gely and nera would not be close enough to be able to read each others minds. Or judge each others demeanor well enough to say you always get me. They only met yesterday. Explain. colorc/colorc?Fight?? Said Sisi. ?I was hoping we would get one! We?ve done nothing so far??coloro:#FF0000/colorowhen did sisi become blood thirsty. she showed no signs of wanting to battle before, she was just energetic.colorc/colorc?We can worry about that later. But how on earth are we going to find them?? coloro:#FF0000/colorowho said thiscolorc/colorc?You know that just as well as I do, Nera. Flying!?coloro:#FF0000/colorocommon everyone adventure.colorc/colorcJumping on the High priestess?s shoulder, Neraine and Gelyan started flying down to very close to the ground, the tower?s end vanishing in gray. Sisily had to go with deathcoloro:#FF0000/colorodeath does not fly.....colorc/colorc, even tough they had very few coloro:#FF0000/colorofew whatcolorc/colorcin common. Only a few minutes after starting, they were already having an intense arguing about life and death.coloro:#FF0000/coloro This sentence works, but I would rather have something lead up to this.colorc/colorc?You?re so bad! Why do you have to take away the little cute animals and the people? Let them live forever!?coloro:#FF0000/colorowho said thiscolorc/colorc coloro:#FF0000/colorowhy is this italicized. Also who said this, you really need to tell the reader that.colorc/colorc?I?m sorry miss death, but my dad and I will have to defaultcoloro:#FF0000/coloroword choicecolorc/colorc that.?coloro:#FF0000/coloroITALICS= thoughts and stress on a word, you generally do not italicize whole quotes unless it serves a real purpose.colorc/colorc?Oh yeah? You?ll see; I won?t get the door for you, and we don?t have a fireplace! How are you getting in now?? coloro:#FF0000/coloroDeath sighedcolorc/colorcWhile thatcoloro:#FF0000/colorothat whatcolorc/colorc, Nera and Gely were having their own conversation. She asked: ?Why this place is so? Gray? It looks so dead and lonely.??It is actually a desert that splits two nations. That?s the reason for the towers. But what?s wrong with gray and lonely? Oh, I forgot who you are. All the beautiful actress and musicians are never satisfied with what isn?t shiny and pink, and you?re just the living proof of that. Aren?t you, Nera??coloro:#FF0000/coloroput gely said somewhere in this quote. you need to attribute people when there is more than 2. And there is the high priestess here so yeah.colorc/colorc?Humph.? She turned her face away, trying to hide the small blushing in her cheeks. Neraine just couldn?t afford to show that she actually got lit up by that compliment. ?I actually like this place. Being alone can be good in some cases.?Then Sisi shouted: ?I found it! I found it!? Both looked downwards and saw a small tent, of the camping type. Even the fade olive jumped out of the scenery. Near it was a pile of clothes on fire nearly out. They reached the tent silently and without any tarots, since Gely asked the girls to let him do the talkcoloro:#FF0000/coloroIDC that gely told them to do it. change it to "as to avoid conflict."colorc/colorc. It was safer that way. After reaching ground, he shouted ?Anyone? Hello?? to the tent.coloro:#FF0000/coloroRe-word this whole paragraph it is hard to follow.colorc/colorcA few seconds after doing that, someone jumped out of the tent shouting curses and menaces, while casting fire projectiles. They, however, were so badly aimed that didn?t hit a thing. Some other person got out of the tent and quickly grabbed the first one by the shoulder, calming coloro:#FF0000/coloro[insert him or her here]colorc/colorc down. Only after the dust from the running settled down that theycoloro:#FF0000/colorothey is a pronoun. They could mean any group there are two here after allcolorc/colorc could see the two.The first person was actually a girl: She was 5? feet and 1?? inch tall only. She was also thin, but looked aggressive and impatient. Her hair was a pale red, and her eyes were pure black. She was also wearing loose red clothes, of the kind circus artists would wear. The urge to fight the strangers was obvious.coloro:#FF0000/coloroYou give me any extraneous details here. Is it really important to give us her exact height. Why not just say she was average height. Also I think you should only focus on the traits that stand out. Therefore, include the extraneous ones (reworded as to seem more natural), but emphasis the unique things about her. colorc/colorcThe other guy was a lot taller than her, reaching at least 6? feet tall. He was a little tanned, plus looked strong and robust. Still, he had a calm friendly look, with his scrambled brown hair and deep honest blue eyes. He was dressed almost like a cowboy, with a beige jacket full of pockets, blue jeans and a leather belt. His expression seemed first worried for the girl, than surprised by the three.coloro:#FF0000/colorosame issue as above.colorc/colorc He spoke, the voice calm and welcoming: ?Hello, Gelyan! Came to save our souls? I was starting to think the rest of the Wardens forgot about us.??Sorry Jay, the pleasantries will have to wait. We got something quite serious to discuss.? Gely raised his head, and shouted: ?Come out, you too!coloro:#FF0000/colorouse his name, I assume gely knows it.colorc/colorc I don?t have time to play hide and seek.?The last guy walked out of the tent. He was smaller than Jay, and very pale. His black short hair and eyes only make it worse. There was little expression, and thus there was no clue of what he was thinking. His clothes were also black, and very long. coloro:#FF0000/colorobetter than the descriptions before, but emphasis how he is like a ghost.colorc/colorcHe spoke, almost whispering: ?Why the hurry, Gelyan? It is almost like you are running from something.??Your cold analysis never fails, does it? But first, a quick meeting: Girls, meet Jay, Jackie and Drake; they are the guys I was telling you about.? He pointed out the second, the first and then the third one.?And who are those two, Gely?? Asked Jackie, while freeing herself from Jay?s large hands.?On my right, this is Nera. The one on my left is Sisily. They are two travelers I found on a mission with Reciful himself.?So how that went?? coloro:#FF0000/coloro? idk what to change this to change it.colorc/colorcAsked the big tanned guy.?Pretty badly, actually. Reciful finally found a way to prevent the apocalypse altogether, but it isn?t as good as it sounds???Why?? Jay replied.?Because? It involves destroying all the other worlds. This way, ours won?t come to an end.?The first two stood shocked for a moment. Drake, on the other hand, didn?t seem to bother reacting.?Poor Gely. You didn?t even know, did you? As smart as you are, I though that emotions wouldn?t get in your way. I knew it from the beginning that was the plan. No one told me, tough.?coloro:#FF0000/colorolol i love who ever this is, but you need to tell me who it is.colorc/colorc?Oh boy.? Gely sighted, even tough he seemed somewhat satisfied. ?Girls, get him.?coloro:#FF0000/colorowhy is gely leading this party. And this is unneeded. Just state after hearing that nera and gely jumped on him.colorc/colorcBoth Nera and Sisily knew it was coming; they started running towards them as soon as they heard it. Even though the other two were startled with that, they promptly went to defend Drake: Jay interrupted Sisi, while Jackie stopped Nera. It was up to Geylan to fight him, and he knew it. It was going to be interesting, tough. The big guy who stopped Sisily spoke, keeping his voice mild: ?We don?t have to do this, Sisily. Give up on hurting my friend and I promise you won?t get a scratch.??How will you fight me? I can?t even see your weapon!?Jay sighed, and put his big hands on his back and come back holding two? giant beetles? No, it was something different. It was like a glove: Two decorated oval shields merged around his forearm, with big beetle-like horns and one small cannon instead of fingers. It did look like he got his hand stuck in two gigantic bugs, though. Sisily couldn?t help but to laugh. He said: ?Come on, girl. I bet you and me could get along. Just stop this.? coloro:#FF0000/coloroawww, he is a softie.colorc/colorcShe started the attack, covering her enemy with fire and electric spells. The two shields, however, were able to deflect all of them, leaving the user unharmed. After a few tries, Sisi conjured the magician. The giant earthworm launching fire balls really surprised him, and the two started overwhelming his shields. But then, Jay started to pay back. Using the canon between the horns, he shot many white energy balls. Spells started hitting each other, and soon the three were covered in coloro:#FF0000/coloroto make more ambiguous add: cloud of colorc/colorcdust.Nera took a better look at her opponent. She was small, looked very young and almost harmless. However, her voice was loud and aggressive, and the tone was confident: ?Hey you! Yeah, you in the dress! Want to try me on with those ice picks of yours? I?ll beat you in a second!?coloro:#FF0000/colorothis is how i expect nera to act sometimes. kinda cool how the softies are fighting and the aggressors are fightingcolorc/colorc?What about you? What are those things anyway???They?re called Katars, you fool. I?ll show you what they can do.?The girl ran at her first, trying to connect with those small blades of hers; she dodged every single hit, even jumping over the raging enemy a couple of times. Even madder, the girl tried to launch arcs of fire from the Katars at her. Neraine framed the grip of her swords, blocked the attack, and the two started trading hits. After losing the blade contest, Jackie jumped back to launch spells, only to be hit directly by ice coming from the ground.coloro:#FF0000/coloroPRONOUN USE. THIS IS HARD TO FOLLOW BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PRONOUNS. colorc/colorcBut when Nera though it was over, she jumped off the ground, spinning her blades in a ring of fire. Before she could react, the move got her and Neraine was sent flying off the ground; wounds started to burn intensely while the little girl stared at her, looking a lot higher when she was the only one standing.coloro:#FF0000/coloroNera is not done after that. Nera is better than that. JK, its your story let nera get pummeled. colorc/colorcGely approached Drake, who didn?t say a word ? He was famous for talking only as much as needed. He did, however, pull off his swords: Two long and curved black blades. Gelyan raised Hydra and pulled off the trigger: Two armor-rushing bullets started tearing through the air in his direction. Using precise movements, he passed by the bullets running towards Gely. Pressing a different trigger, his weapon shot the soul pact bullet, hitting him with a piece of Gelyan?s soul. However, that wasn?t enough, as he reached Gely and hit him with one of the blade?s handle. Hiscoloro:#FF0000/colorowhocolorc/colorc thoughts stopped, the vision got blurry, and Gelyan fell on the ground, almost unconscious.QuoteEndQuote
joshyface
QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Oct 6 2011, 12:27 PM) quotecFirst, they are at the top of the tower, and can't see the ground level.QuoteEndQuoteEEndA. I understand they are at the top of a tower. You just word things strangely sometimes. quoteo(post=8441:date=Oct 6 2011, 12:27 PM:name=Raf9900)QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Oct 6 2011, 12:27 PM) quotecSecond, the "wake up part" is about waking up at the dream world. Due to poor word choice, it seemed like waking up on real life. Btw, I used this specific set of words because, in DtRoT they seem to be "sleeping" in those timelines before waking up. It's kinda strange, so I tried to work on that with a magician line. Worked out awlfully.QuoteEndQuoteEEndB. The wake up does not bother me, you seem to be at a part where they do not fully understand their powers. Therefore, they could wake up, potentially. (except for gely, who knows everyting for some reason or another.)quoteo(post=8441:date=Oct 6 2011, 12:27 PM:name=Raf9900)QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Oct 6 2011, 12:27 PM) quotecThird and most important, the thing about the wardens joining, which I'll work on the paragraph to ensure things will get more easily understood: You see, I'm assuming that, like Gelyan ([and half] of our Warden population so far), at least a number of people in the Wardens (not exclusively, but mostly rookies) do not know about Reciful's plan. They, instead, are merely try to destroy doom-ish artifacts to give the universe a bigger life span. The big figures would do the thinking for them.QuoteEndQuoteEEndC. Yeah but after gely's betrayal, he would most likely be on a watch list. Actually, all of them would so you are assuming they would listen. Plus their story is kinda unbelieveable. Recitful has way more credibility than gely since Recitful is the top agent.quoteo(post=8441:date=Oct 6 2011, 12:27 PM:name=Raf9900)QUOTE (Raf9900 @ Oct 6 2011, 12:27 PM) quotecThat third part is supported by one of Esis' line that say something like "that mad man..." Since she said man instead of group, I'm not exactly sure if Reciful is the leader of a small group of extremists inside the Warden, or instead he is the leader of the organisation and anyone BUT Gely knows the plan. Considering how smart he is, that doesn't make much sense. Possibly Reciful is alone, but not in my story.QuoteEndQuoteEEndD. EVEN IF HE IS IN A SMALL GROUP IN THE WARDEN, HE STILL HAS WAY MORE POWER THAN GELY. LYING IS EASY. HE ACTUALLY DOES NOT NEED TO LIE BECAUSE ALL HE NEEDS TO SAY IS "GELY IS A TRAITOR." THE FACT THAT GELY BETRAYED THE TOP AGENT OF THE WARDEN IS ENOUGH OF A REASON FOR NOBODY TO TRUST
