rainen
{Rainen fell to the ground after running for a few minutes. "Damn I need more time to rest..." The dinosaur came crashing through the jungle and as it emerged it let out a mighty roar "Oh crap it's a T-rex." He got up to run but it was to late. The dinosaur lunged forward and swallowed Rainen in one bite. He held his hand out with his palm facing up and created a ball of fire so he could see. His lower body began to tingle as the acid ate away at him. An oval shape object bumped his leg and he picked it up "How did a pickle get inside the stomach of a T-Rex...&qu
joshyface
/coloro(why do I not know what the main charater looks like? DESCRIBE HIM.)colorc/colorcWhen there were only a few minutes left in the period and it seemed that the gray walls and tiled floors were going to crush them and lock them in coloro:#FF0000/coloro(<3 personification. good job.)colorc/colorcthe school coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I don't think it is nessicary to reiderate they are in a school.)colorc/colorcforever, she leaned over and whispered in a low voice, ?Hey Rain?,coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I am probally thinking of journalistic style here, but i feel like the comma should be in the "".)colorc/colorc before returning to her original position.Rainen looked around quickly, making sure the teachers weren't watching, before he whispered back to hercoloro:#FF0000/coloro,(a period would work too but i like commas)colorc/colorc ?Ya Lai?? She looked back at him and admired the fact that for the past few years he had never really gained any weight even though he always teased her about her own weight before saying in the usual hushed voicecoloro:#FF0000/coloro,(look up comma rules with with quotes. I really think I'm mixing up journalistic grammer and regular grammer. This is why i shouldn't edit stories, journalism has corrupted me.)colorc/colorc ?There's gonna be a meteor show tonight, wanna come over to my house?? Rainen spoke in a coloro:#FF0000/colorostragecolorc/colorc whisper, accidentally being louder then he thought, ?Sure!? This prompted a few students to look directly at him, their teacher, Mr. Harrin looked up from his desk, staring directly at Rainen who laughed every time his wispy gray hair stood up, and yelled ?Rainen! how many times do I have to tell you, shut up in study hall!? A few of the students laughed, some of them even making obnoxious comments, and the teacher stared at each and every one of them till they were silent.Rainen looked down at his book bag and muttered in a slightly raised voice ?Sorry Mr. Hcoloro:#FF0000/coloro. (again, you need punctuation at the end of quotation. colorc/colorc? After a minute or two Lailya smirked and looked over at Rainen, speaking in a chiding voice saying ?Nice one Rain??Shut up...?Lailya looked the other way and spoke as if she was pouting ?Don't tell me to shut upcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc??Whatever.? Another minute passed and Rainen looked up at Lailya and nudged her, smiling playfully. She smiled back at him saying ?Any whaycoloro:#FF0000/coloro(I feel like if you italicized this, it would express its a dialect better.)colorc/colorc Jack is coming toocoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc?After a few momentscoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc the bell started tocoloro:#FF0000/coloro(I know why i dislike this word choice now. It feels Garrulous)colorc/colorc ringcoloro:#FF0000/coloro, (maybe)colorc/colorc and in an instant all of the students left their classrooms and started running off to their buses and cars so that they could finallycoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc begin their summer vacation.coloro:#FF0000/coloroI feel like this is a run-on, but who knows I suck at judging that.colorc/colorc Lailya and Rainen walked out of study hall behind the rush so as to not get caught up in the madness. As they passed the English wingcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc a rather short yet thin boy that came running out of his classroom with a small slip of paper. Rainen smirked at him and saidcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc "Sup Jackcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc""The usual man, nothin but the usual" After a short conversation explaining the papercoloro:#FF0000/coloro(generally, i would put a comma here by since you need a comma after jack I think it would be overboard...Also, it's a schedule do not put paper. All putting paper does is confuse the reader, if its a schedule don't be vague, and say paper, say schedule.)colorc/colorc Lailya, Jackcoloro:#FF0000/coloro,colorc/colorc and Rainen walk out of the school building and down the road to Lailya's house. coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Wait, i think this is a run-on but, again i am really bad with that stuff.)colorc/colorc"I don't get how you get summer school every single year Jack." Rainen looked down at the piece of papercoloro:#FF0000/coloro(it's okay here because its already been specified that it's a schedule.)colorc/colorc as they walked out of the building. Behind them a few girls screamed and a couple of boys came running down the hall way laughing and covering their noses."I don't suppose that was you again Jack?" Lailya glared at Jack which caused him to wince so he looked the other way."Maybe..."After a few minutes Lailya sped up a little and walked up to a moderately sized house with an eggshell paint covering it. The curtains were painfully red and all the shutters were black. It had beige shingles so the entire appearance of the house was just strange and unusual.coloro:#FF0000/coloro(nice description, but are we in a city, suburbia, country. I take it is suburbia cause, it is somehwhat implyed. Oh, what about the yard if they have one.) colorc/colorcI'll need to give opinion on certain things, but i think this is good for now.EDIT: (mental note) Wow, can I mention i am in a journalism class less next time. ma
rainen
ell off to editing again! Josh you are officially going to be given some special thanks if and when I get this to prin
mokona96
............ I don't k
rainen
Also I'm still looking for a new name for Jack. Just remember, it needs to start with a J, it needs to stick out a little bit, and it can't be Jason or J
joshyface
When my life picks up, i'll probably go back into my lurking mode. Oh, also, my urge to edit his things most likely stems from being the go to guy for copy editing (in the news staff at least).EDIT: how could i forget to mention NaNoWriMo in November. Editing that takes up half of my y
rainen
k so i'll be adding some more to the story now. Getting to the point where the actual action takes place
joshyface
/coloroDISCLAIMER: THIS WILL MOST LIKELY BE MY LAST EDIT. MY CLASSES HAVE STARTED TO PICK UP, AND I AM STARTED GETTING 'OVERWORKED'. IF I DO EDIT THIS AGIAN I WILL MOST LIKELY, NOT DO AS GOOD OF A JOB.colorc/colorcRainen was waiting in study hall. He had been staring at the clock, waiting for the period to end for almost ten minutes. It was the last day of school and he could barely contain himself as he was waiting to get home. Sitting next to him was a girl named Lailya. Rainen normally teased her about how she was slightly shortercoloro:#00FF00/colorothancolorc/colorc himselfcoloro:#00FF00/coloro,colorc/colorc and how she always needed to gain weight.coloro:#00FF00/coloroI mention this later, but you could say something that gives us a little more insight on her appearance like, "Rainen normally teesed her about how she was slightly shorter than himself, and how she managed to stay so thin for so long." This would at least give us that she is thin. I mean just because you haven't gained any weight for a while doesnt mean you thin.colorc/colorc Her light brown hair seemed to clash with her silvery eyes as well as her clothing whether it was a dark t-shirt that was a size too small and blue jean shorts that never went above her thighs or during the colder months a blue or green sweater with pants that never covered her ankles. When there were only a few minutes left in the period and it seemed that the gray walls and tiled floors were going to crush them and lock them away forever, she leaned over and whispered in a low voice, ?Hey Rain,? before returning to her original position.coloro:#00FF00/coloroHow old are they? you give us no indication besides that they are in school, all that gives me is that they are in school lower than college. Basically all i know is that they are under 18. And with the quotes they seem to be giving they seem like in middle school or lower, im going to assume you wanted them in high school. This detail is not too important colorc/colorcRainen looked around quickly, making sure the teachers weren't watching, before he whispered back to her. ?Yacoloro:#00FF00/coloro,colorc/colorc Lai?? She looked back at him and admired the fact that for the past few years he had never really gained any weight as well as the fact that he could still fit into the same blue and white strip polo's that he had gotten at the beginning of high school.coloro:#00FF00/coloroI still know little about how rainen's appearance. I know what he wears but his 'build' is still not described. The only hint on his 'build' is that he's taller than Lai, which isn't too helpful because we don't know if she is, tall, short, or average height. We know he hasn't gained any weight, but that's also not too helpful because we don't know if he's skinny, or whatever.colorc/colorc She caught herself judging his face like she does so many times and wondering how his eyes managed to look like the ocean, or how his hair seems to change from light brown to dark brown, even how his nose is round and doesn't stand out.coloro:#00FF00/colorothis is nice details but i still lack more impotant information.colorc/colorc When she thought he saw her looking at him she turned away and said, ?There's gonna be a meteor show tonight, wanna come over to my house to watch it??coloro:#00FF00/coloroI already dislike this character, she seem clingy. your giving me a bad first impression. though i generally don't get along with most people, so it might just be me.colorc/colorc Rainen spoke in a strange whisper, accidentally being louder then he thought, ?Sure!? coloro:#00FF00/colorohow can you whisper and be loud? And why did i just notice this now? anyway Thoughs two things contradict each other.colorc/colorcThis prompted a few students to look directly at him, their teacher, Mr. Harrin looked up from his desk, staring directly at Rainen who laughed every time his wispy gray hair stood up, and yelled, ?Rainen! coloro:#00FF00/coloroHcolorc/colorcow many times do I have to tell you, shut up in study hall!? A few of the students laughed, some of them even making obnoxious comments, and the teacher stared at each and every one of them coloro:#00FF00/colorountilcolorc/colorc they were silent.Rainen looked down at his book bag and muttered in a slightly raised voicecoloro:#00FF00/coloro,colorc/colorc ?Sorry Mr. H!? After a minute or twocoloro:#00FF00/coloro,(by the way, this sounds really informal compared to the rest of the writing. try, "after a couple of minutes"colorc/colorc Lailya smirked and looked over at Rainen, speaking in a chiding voice sayingcoloro:#00FF00/coloro,colorc/colorc ?Nice one Rain??Shut up...?Lailya looked the other way and spoke as if she was poutingcoloro:#00FF00/coloro,colorc/colorc ?Don't tell me to shut up??Whatever.? Another minute passed and Rainen looked up at Lailya and nudged her, smiling playfully. She smiled back at him sayingcoloro:#00FF00/coloro,(I WILL NOT MARK ANYMORE OF THESE. YOU NEED TO LOOK UP YOUR COMMA AND QUOTATION RULES.)colorc/colorc ?coloro:#00FF00/coloroAny colorc/colorc Juliun is coming too?Time seemed to stand still as Rainen stared at the clock. When the second hand stopped moving he let out an audiable groancoloro:#00FF00/coloroI would asume that a groan is audible.colorc/colorc like so many other students in the classroom. The minute hand jumped coloro:#00FF00/colorohmmm, i generally like personification, but something about a clock hand jumping urks me. (you don't need to change, im just being nitpickycolorc/colorcand soon after the bell rang. Every single student in the building left their classrooms and started running off to their buses and cars so that they could finally begin summer vacation. Lailya and Rainen walked out of study hall behind the rush so, as to not get caught up in the madness. As they passed the English wingcoloro:#00FF00/coloro,colorc/colorc a rather short yet thin boy with fiery red hair came running out of a classroom with a small slip of papercoloro:#00FF00/coloronot descriptive enough. peice of paper can make people think of lots of things.colorc/colorc. Rainen smirked at him and said "Sup Juliun""The usual man, nothin but the usualcoloro:#00FF00/coloro, with this one too im not going to mark all the commas you need a comma or period. punctuation is important.colorc/colorc" After a short conversation explaining the paper Lailya, Juliun, and Rainen walk out of the school building and down the road to Lailya's house. "I don't get how you get summer school every single year Juliun." Rainen looked down at the piece of paper as they walked out of the building. Behind them a few girls screamed and a couple of boys came running down the hall way laughing and covering their noses."I don't suppose that was you again Juliun?" Lailya glared at Juliun which caused him to wince so he looked the other way."Maybe..."After a few minutescoloro:#00FF00/coloro,(you need to put punctuation after transitions, well there are exceptions but not many.)colorc/colorc Lailya sped up a little and walked over the grass of a moderately sized yard up to a moderately sized house with an eggshell paint covering it. The curtains were painfully red and all the shutters were carbon black. It had beige shingles so the entire appearance of the house was just strange and unusual. Juliun and Rainen sauntered up and as soon as Lailya went inside Juliun nudged Rainen and said, "You do realize the only reason I'm here is so that she could get you to come right?"Rainen let out a soft chuckle and smirked saying, "Yeacoloro:#00FF00/coloro,colorc/colorc you keep telling me that she likes mecoloro:#00FF00/coloro, (i didn't mention all of these, so look at the your story.)colorc/colorc but honestly I could never see us dating. Not after how long we've known each other. Remember what I said about dating friends?"Juliun laughed and mimicked Rainen's voice saying, "When you date a friend you never get that friend back."He went back to his normal voice and continued saying, "That has got to be one of your stupidest lines ever."Rainen smiled and pushed Juliun through the door. Juliun hid behind the door and tried to trip Rainen as he walked through but Rainen caught himself on Juliun and they both went down. Lailya walked into the room with her hair tied up and simply said, "You boys need to grow up," before leaving the room and going upstairs. Juliun got up and walked over to Lailya's laptop and opened up pinball. Rained stood up and sat down on the couch saying, "You really need to find something else to do.""I would but she's got nothing TOcoloro:#00FF00/colorono italicize it if you want to make it stand out. this is unprofessional.colorc/colorc do.""Hey guys check out what I got!" Lailya walked downstairs holding a Nintendo Wii."Please tell me you have some sort of fighting game." Juliun looked over with an expectant look in his eye and Rainen just smiled and rested his head on his hands."I got smash bro's. There's only two controllers though so you're going to have to wait awhile. I wanna play the story mode with Rainen first.""Well since when do I even WANTcoloro:#00FF00/coloro again italicz are nicecolorc/colorc to play""I don't know, maybe because you talked about it non stop for over an hour the last time we went to the mall?""I moved on. I'm into RTS games and tactical games now."Lailya hit Rainen on the arm and in a controlling tone said, "well we're playing smash bro's and that's that."Rainen smiled and said in a joking tone, "shut up.""Don't tell me to shut up.""Whatever...""Any whay I'll just hook this up and we can start playing.""Crap! I lost!" Juliun frowned and Lailya gave him the death stare. After a few seconds Lailya turned away and hooked her Wii up to the T.V.Rainen turned away and thought to himself, "This is going to be an interesting summer." For the next hour Rainen and Lailya played smash bro's and Juliun silently played pinball on Lailya's laptop. An hour latercoloro:#00FF00/coloro,TRANSITIONS NEED COMMAScolorc/colorc the meteor shower started and two hours after that Lailya got up and said, "Alright lets go get the stuff and head up to the roof. We'll be able to see it better from up there." Juliun and Lailya went up to Lailya's room and started grabbing various items. Juliun got a tan colored blanket and Lailya grabbed some pillows while Rainen put some drinks and snacks in a cooler. Lailya pulled a ladder down from the ceiling near her room and they brought the items up with them and onto the roof. When they were finished arranging everything to Lailya's satisfaction Lailya laid down on the edge of the blanket. Juliun went down to lay in the middle but once again Lailya gave him the death stare. He nonchalantly slid over to the other side of the blanket and after rolling his eyes Rainen sat down in the middle.coloro:#00FF00/coloroi didn't really edit the last half but i marked some things. Anyway, the characters don't seem to have personalities. rainen is kinda apathetic and Lia looks seems annoyingly, ummm, agressive.colorc/co
mokona96
ulian could be a good name, but Juliun just sounds like you tried to make it unique and ended up failing. No offe
rainen
Also the infamous piece of paper is explained. A little bit after the paper is mentioned Rainen talkes about how Jack always gets summer school as he's looking at the paper. To me that's enough of an explanat
mokona96
...I like Julian better, any
macfluffers
Normally I'd say you should use more normal names, but since you're using "Lailya" (as opposed to Leila) and "Rainen" (which is even more obscure than the others), I guess it's a moot point.EDIT- I just found a site that mentioned it as an alternative to Julius. So yeah, it's real, but pretty obscure. (It's also hard to say.
rainen
ell jack was too plain and i wanted something that would stick out so why not find a name that people would think is a mis spelling of a real name? also, like i said before, juliun is a real name that means colored h
joshyface
ack was bad because, it wasn't the same as the others. Meaning it stood out too muc
macfluffers
But yeah, it's generally good to be consistent. I like to use meaningful names in my stories, but then again I have characters from all parts of the globe, so I get a lot of license when it comes to naming. Fun examples: Echo, Nolan, Dewayne, Jet, Cyrus, Moira...Jack may be a minor character, but he should have a special name also if everyone else has one. As Josh said, it makes him stand out, which isn't what you want from a minor character anyway. How about Jacques? It's simi
joshyface
I don't think we need to change the name, agian. It doesn't stand as bad as it did before. And Juliun is obscure, so i doubt it will make his manuscript worse. Oh before I forget to mention this, have you planned out your plot yet? It will make your ideas seem more...concisely, I gu
EternalLurker
QUOTE (EternalLurker @ Jul 24 2010, 11:31 AM) quotecAERITH AND BOB SYNDROME.QuoteEndQuoteEEndIn summary of macfluffers' issue, as I pointed out on page
macfluffers
Odd Name Out. Which is fine if the character is important enough to warrant it, but that doesn't seem to be the c
rainen
ll be updating my story tomorrow. and by tomorrow i mean about 15 hours from this p
mokona96
1. 'It slowly got bigger and bigger and soon enough it crash landed right next to Lailya?s pool.' needs to be expanded. Make it at least two sentences long.2. I think 'fell over on the ground writhing in pain' sounds better. If anyone realises where I got that from, don't hate me. I hate myself enough.3.You switched Juliun's name to Julian and the Jack in the last paragraph. That's one of the tricky parts of renaming a charac