rainen
Prologue Existence, the world we live in, the stars, the galaxies beyond our own. Reality, assumed to be understood, but how do you know if what you perceive is true? Life, such a fickle and ambiguous term. Energy, when all is destroyed what else remains but this? Knowledge, common sense, intellect, without one can there be the others? Power, all things strive for power. Power is the reason why there is an existence. Power is the reason why everything you know is not always the way it seems. So can you really believe in anything? I trust in fate and the ability to control my own mind. But what happens when you are unable to do just that? Throughout my life all things were questioned, all things were fought over, all things were challenged. When you think about it the only constant is the unchanging order to the madness. That as well as the constant unending search for truth and knowledge. Tempus faciendi nunc. Parate ante scis abest.Chapter one: The Awakeningsizeo:1/sizeoEvery story has a reason, every reason a purpose. This story could be abouta world that Mystic accidentally created. Only it wouldn't be just a world, itwould be an entirely new existence. It would be an existence all in the realmof the mind. The denizens could then know what he knows, they could feelwhat he feels but in truth, this story is about me, Rainen Shade, and my life.sizec/sizec Darkness. Pure, endless darkness engulfs the universe. A true emptiness that puts to shame the ?void? we called space. It seems so wrong, so monstrous for the energy of creation to no longer exist. No longer do the stars shine on all there is. No longer does life speak a word. Rain! There's that voice again... It sounds so familiar... RAINEN! I wake up with a jump, it was just a dream. Sitting next to me is Lailya, one of my best friends. She caught me sleeping again in study hall. Something Mr. Harrin, our teacher, doesn't take too kindly to. ?Were you having that dream? You were mumbling again.? Lailya smiles, knowing she's right without me having to tell her. I decide to humor her and answer the question. ?Yea but this time it had dinosaurs and laser guns instead of tanks and elephants.? I smirk and look into her deep blue eyes. She meets my gaze for a moment then quickly looks away. ?Oh, so nothing new happened. And here I thought you'd have enough to write a book.? It's funny, I've been talking about how I'd write a book for a few years now. With one excuse after another I never did manage it. I guess I have no will to write more then what my English and writing classes require. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that when I'm finally done I want to move on to something else and never write another word again. ?Pretty much. Same old same old as they always say. How much longer do we have then anyway?? I look up at the clock knowing she won't give me a straight answer. Two minutes left. Two minutes until my life as a high school junior is over. Two minutes until I can leave these suffocating walls behind and embrace the freedom that will be my last summer vacation. ?I don't know genius did you try reading the clock?? She's being sarcastic. She's always sarcastic but then again so am I. ?Oh sorry I can't see it from here Lily.? One minute. One minute until I can begin new adventures. One minute until I can begin the next chapter in my life. Lailya moves closer to me so she can whisper. ?Hey after school is out you wanna come to my place and hang out? You can tell Juliun about it too if you want.? She almost hates Juliun... Why would she say I can invite him? I usually have to ask and even then it takes her awhile to give in... My two best friends; all but enemies. It's such an interesting conundrum. ?Ok. Lets walk by the English wing then and meet up with him.? Something's happening. She's never openly invited Juliun to anything so why would she start now? Perhaps she's trying to make amends? That hardly seems possible but still... ?I heard there was supposed to be a meteor show and I know how you and Jule are obsessed with that stuff so I figured FI'd invite you two over since my parents just added on a new balcony.? So that's why. She wanted to show off yet another new thing. The life of the wealthy, you have what you need, you need what you want and you want what you don't have. How I ever managed to befriend Lailya I might never know but I'm truly glad I have. ?Hey, are you even listening?? She frowns at me. She already knows I'm lost in thought. She sees it on my face as if I was nothing more then a book. ?Yea sorry. Sounds like a plan.? The bell rings and the loud speaker crackles to life. The principal wishes us a happy summer and begins calling names for students who must report to the office. I hear Juliun's name called and wonder what trouble he got into, the names pass by and Lailya is free of trouble. As the principal approaches where my name would be called, I begin to tense up as my anticipation reaches a new high. Sanders, Smith, Steele, I jump at the sound of my name and the rest of the announcement is lost to the rush of incoming thoughts and scenarios. I begin frantically running through my memories, searching for what must be the cause of my dilemma. A joke I shared with a friend, the conversations at lunch, a book I forgot to return, a class that I missed an assignment in and failed. I stand up and my legs begin to move on their own. Lailya follows closely behind me undoubtedly thinking of the same things. ?I'm sure it's nothing serious.? I try to comfort her because she is the one person who knows all my secrets, the person I go to and who comes to me for any sort of problem. Complete and unbreakable trust. She mentions something but it leaves and refuses to find purchase within my mind. I step into the office, stricken with anticipation. The secretary asks me to sit down and wait. Mrs. Petra, the wife of who will certainly be my next English teacher. She knows me well as I became a frequent visitor over my years in high school. A troubled youth they've called me. As brilliant as I am unstable, a unique case is the eyes of all the teachers and faculty who know me. If only they could understand my thoughts, if only I could voice them appropriately. ?Rainen, Mrs. Rodens will see you now.? My thoughts shift. Sarah Rodens, Dean of Students and loved by all. She was once a history teacher but she took on her current position the same year I became a high school student. She is the one person in this school that is able to see people for who they really are. The one person in this school that insisted I be placed into classes that would challenge me instead of having me be carried along through high school as an underachiever. My three years have been hard but it's been worth it. I've learned more than I thought possible and now I'm putting all my effort into the future. ?Ok. Thanks Mrs. P.? I walk through the doorway, past the principal and vice principal?s offices and into the office of Mrs. Rodens. ?Hello Rainen. I'm sure you're wondering why I called you in here today.? A rhetorical question. She'll continue regardless so I just nod. ?Based on your progress we've decided that you'd be eligible to partake in a magnet program and attend college classes during your senior year. You're still interested in nanotechnology, right?? Another rhetorical question, I've been dead set on the same major for the past five years. I nod again, this time hardly able to keep my composure. The thought of starting college early never even crossed my mind. This means having to leave Lailya and Juliun behind almost completely and it bothers me. ?You'll be taking all of the basic core classes that you would normally take in your senior year. They will, of course count towards your chosen major.? I let a smile break through my face, still stuck on the thought of going to college early. Being among people who learn not because they have to, but because they chose to is such an amazing concept to me. No longer will I have to deal with busy work meant to fill time. Every minute will count, every class period will build towards something. New friends and new enemies will await me and it will all happen next year. For now all that's left is to leave this building behind for the long summer months. As I say my goodbyes and as the bell rings signifying that the buses are about to leave Lailya, Juliun and I all walk out the front door, ready to begin what will certainly be an eventful summer. ?Ok. That should be everything guys!? Lailya, Juliun and I have finally finished setting up on Lailya's deck for the meteor shower tonight. Lailya got me and Juliun to bring out a small sofa that can fit two people. I'm wondering why she didn't want anything bigger. I take a look around and make sure everything is in place. Juliun is glued to the telescope that he brought, Lailya is sitting on the sofa playing with her hair. She looks up at me and smiles and I smile back. Behind me is a cooler filled with drinks and next to that is a nights worth of snacks unceremoniously dumped on the floor. I decide between joining Juliun or Lailya and I decide to go to Juliun, not wanting to draw any sort of extra attention from Lailya who has certainty gotten herself into a flirty mood. ?How's everything looking? Did you get it all set up yet?? Juliun looks away from the telescope for a quick second saying nothing more than a simple ?No.? Classic Juliun. Always completely wrapped up in something. Whether or not it's what he should be doing never matters to him. ?Hey Rain come here I wanna tell you something.? A trap. I've seen her like this before. Her parents are going away for awhile, leaving her home alone and she wants me to stay over. I begin running through a list of excuses to prevent it but I can't think of any. She already knows I have no summer plans for the next few weeks and I can't use homework as an excuse since we don't get any over the summer. I sit next to her and listen to what I know she has to say. ?So my parents are going away for two weeks and I figured it would be great if you could stay over for awhile.? She smiles and looks dead on into my eyes and we're locked in a stare. As I begin running out of reasons to not go Juliun calls out saying the telescope is all set. I give up on escape and tell Lailya I'd love to stay. She giggles with delight telling me about all the fun we'll have and I just know it'll end up with us in public and her hanging on me like she always does. Sometimes I wonder why she torments me like that. I think about it awhile and realize that maybe she does it to keep me attached to the world around me instead of drifting away into a world of my own imagining. ?There's one problem though. I might have to babysit my little sister for a few days.? The moment I thought of the one excuse I'll always be able to use to ensure my ability to stay bound to home I said it. ?No worries. You can bring her with you. I'm sure Telli would love to have a slumber party with me! I am practically her big sis after all.? I cringe at the sound of this. Not only do I have no more escape but I've even managed to drag my little sister into this mess. I know Telli would love the chance to get out of our house. But I hold the hope that at the age of 7 my dad will have some shred of sense to not let her go sleep at another person's house without adult supervision. I let out a small sigh and go take a look through Juliun's telescope. It's approaching midnight, which will be the start of what is supposed to be the largest meteor shower of the century. I begin to feel my lack of sleep catch up to me as the minutes tick away and then as the show begins I feel a strange sensation rooted deep in my brain. It turns into a soft pulse and my whole body begins to feel heavy. I try to lash out but I quickly realize I can't move. I see myself sitting next to Lailya, eyes closed as if I'm sleeping but instead I feel myself floating up into the sky. Everything seems frozen in time, even the ?stars? have halted in their deadly fall. I will myself upwards, beginning to notice a pale turquoise light. I float towards it, my eyes locked in its unearthly light, pulling my gaze away only to see the entire Earth below my feet. I feel myself stop before a small fist sized rock encased by the pale light that pulled me here. I feel a tug from the rock that tells me to place my hand upon its surface. Instantly my senses are overloaded with a myriad of stimuli. It feels as if I had just been reborn into a body without the constraints that I had once felt. I look around me and see that the entire universe has taken on the same hue that encased the rock. It is a color that shouldn't exist. A color that I shouldn't be able to see. I see space fade around me and suddenly I'm standing on a rocky platform that overlooks a barren lifeless planet. Something about it feels odd though, as if the planet and the platform both contain a life that I've never seen before. I'm about to try to fly down to the surface of the planet when a booming voice fills my head. ?Rainen, you must listen quickly for the power that pulled you here will fade soon. There is a great calamity approaching and you must free me from my stasis so that I may properly prepare you in defeating it.? This has to be the dumbest dream I've ever had now. I wonder why my subconscious would give me this and then I remember something. I'm not actually asleep. Everything is too vivid and fluid for it to just be a dream. I close my eyes for a moment, thinking back to the point when I fell asleep. I definitely left my body. It's lying right next to Lailya and I'm half way across the galaxy. When I look out around me again the voice I heard continues ?You must learn to control your powers. Only then will you gain the ability to jump across the void of space and return to this platform. The star you see before you is known to you as Betelgeuse. The planet this platform orbits is known as Titanous. I am known as the Oracle and I shall act as your guide. Remember this place and my name. Once you regain the ability to void jump you must return.? He said regain... what does that mean? I gather my words in preparation of asking him but just as he finishes speaking all of space fades around me and once again I'm floating over a Earth. It looks different from before, wrapped in the strange color that has filled my senses. I try to think of a name for it. I try to remember what this strange... thing, is. The power of Mystic I look around me, looking for the source of my answer is. As soon as I try to speak, looking for the answer to my newest question, the world below me begins to rush closer, the dust around me burns and I fall. As I fall towards Lailya's house, I once again see my friends. Juliun is glued to his telescope, still trying to see a meteor close up. Lailya snuggled up against my body at some point, probably in reaction to seeing me fall asleep. She knows I hate it when she does that and if she hadn't fallen asleep she probably would have tried to poke me awake by now. When I finally reach my body again the world turns white and then I wake up with a jolt, sprawling myself onto the ground. ?RAINEN! What happened?? Lailya looks down at me with a horrified expression. She has no idea what I just went through and I intent to keep it that way. I smile back and tell her I just had a bad nightmare that's all. Juliun is also staring at me with a quizzical expression. I wonder why there's looking at me so strangely, even if I just vaulted myself onto the ground. I go to rub a sore spot on my head and that's when I notice my clothes. I'm wearing black leather gloves that have sharp teeth like blades over my knuckles and my shirt has transformed into a black skintight t-shirt with a turquoise flame design. My cargo shorts have changed to a jet black color as well continuing the flame design on my shirt. Around my neck hangs a gem surrounded by a dragon made of silver. I hold it at eye level so I can get a good look at the gem. The color coming from it doesn't seem right. It's as if the gem is both blue and green at the same time instead of a teal color. I release my pendant, letting it hang around my neck once more and then I notice something. Everything around me is shrouded with an eerie glow the same color as my pendant. Its as if the entire world was covered by the fluids of a nearly dead glowstick. ?Rainen... You're still Rainen right?? Lailya regained her composure enough to speak to me. Juliun is still lost in thought trying to figure out what just happened I guess. ?Yea, It's still me Lily... Mostly.? ?Well do you wanna tell me what just happened? One minute we were sleeping and the next you explode and now you have a whole new outfit!? ?I'm still trying to figure that out. I kinda lost all sense of reason when I floated away from my body.? Juliun perked up at that comment. His face was frozen in a quizzical expression he always gets when something doesn't add up right. ?Do you mean to tell me you went through an out of body experience before all this happened?? ?Yea man, then the freaky alien guru gave me a mission and told me I need to get stronger.? ?Oh my that's so original!? Juliun and his sarcasm. Though it's only funny because of how often we complain about the cliches we see in tv, movies and games. ?I hate to say it but you are now a walking cliche Rain. Enjoy the rest of your life if you ever have the chance.? ?Are you implying that I'm going to have to sacrifice myself for the greater good? Everyone knows only the dumb ones die.? ?Hey guys... Can you cut it out? Some of us actually value life here...? Lailya looks like she's about burst into tears. Even her voice sounds weak. She's no longer awestruck with my sudden change. Now the shock has faded and only fear of the unknown remains for her. I feel a strange tug of longing and I wonder where It could possibly be coming from and that's when I realize that I can feel Lailya's emotions. The concept leaves me dumbstruck but then I realize that not only can I feel her emotions but the envious emotions of Juliun as well. I allow myself a few moments to gather my thoughts and that's when I notice the feeling as if the entire world has been presented to me. All the good and bad that exists, all the struggles of every living creature around me, nothing seems hidden from me anymore. My thoughts are broken when Lailya loses her composure and tackles me back to the ground, completely lost in her emotions. I feel hate, fear, love, and despair. I begin to wonder why she feels so many different things and that's when I realize something; all the flirting, all the jokes, it wasn't just her way of messing with me. She had honest feelings for me that I was completely oblivious to. When I realize this I pull her close to me and tell her that I'll be fine. Between sobs I hear her tell me that it's a lie, that I'll never be ok, that I'll never have a normal life. Juliun stands there, his face expressionless but his thoughts revealed to me in full honesty. Relief, sadness, longing, jealousy; these feelings strike me as odd for a moment but then I realize that what happened to me in these past few minutes is something the two of us have only dreamed of. I begin to drift off into an eerie path of remembrance but my attention is brought back to the presence as Lailya shakes violently. I hold her tightly, wishing for her to calm down and slowly, her breathing begins to soften, her sobs begin to fade, and soon enough I realize she has fallen asleep. ?Is she...? I look up at Juliun and silently nod to him. I tell him how I'm positive I caused her unusual slumber by force of will. He scratches his head in wonderment then asks me to give my new abilities a test. I place Lailya on the sofa before looking out over the ground below me. ---------------------------------------------------------------Ok so from now on whenever I make an update to this I'll be adding 1 to the number in the ti
timbits1o1
NEEDS MOAR EDITING. /happy.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="^_^" border="0" alt="happy.gif
chamomileess
Which reminds me...I have GOT to get back to my stor
mokona96
QUOTE (rainen @ Jul 21 2010, 11:33 PM) quotecLailya and Rainen walked out of study hall behind the rush so as to not get caught up in the madness and as they passed the English wing Jack came running out of his classroom with a small slip of paper.QuoteEndQuoteEEndRun-on sentence! Other than that, it was good, except for the lack of substance. But that will even out later (I think), and it will be fine in the
rainen
QUOTE (Chamomile @ Jul 22 2010, 12:45 AM) quotecAside from reminding me of little miss muppet (Eating her curds and WHEY), it seems pretty good.Which reminds me...I have GOT to get back to my story...QuoteEndQuoteEEnd"any whey" is dialect. I guess I should have mentioned t
blah701
Over all, your topic is clear and simple to read. Focus is on a single character, and it seems that everything is going about around him.But here's my criticism: too simple.Since you wanted to write about Rainen, if I got it right, then you should write more about what he experienced. Perhaps his eyes ran past a student that was carving something at the desk with a pocket knife, which the student shouldn't have. Write it. Perhaps Rain saw the teacher's chalkboard as his teacher yelled, "Shut Up." Write it. Perhaps Rainen saw Lai's hair and face as he conversed with her. Write it. Be more descriptive, so others can paint the picture of how YOU want your characters to be. Since Mythic (Assuming that this is your story's name) is a new story... and this is Part 1... try to describe everything that will become important. Of course, I'm not saying to go hazardous route of jumbled adjectives, but try to emphasize your character's views. You seem to be writing an observer's point of view from a single character, Rainen. If that is so, then you should emphasize on what Rainen sees as important, and disregard what he doesn't. Does Rainen have feelings for Lai, or is Lai his friend? Then be more descriptive of her. If he deems Lai as boring or simply annoying, write about an anecdote which tells how annoying she is.You seem to have same trouble that I had and still have: not enough "meat." Your story is simple to understand and it follows the plot, but it doesn't create a picture for others. You can imagine who Rainen is, what kind of class is he in, and how he relates to others, but your reader doesn't. And the story is suppose to tell the readers of your imagination, ya? So try your best to describe your world.This is a little less of a criticism as my pet peeve that even I'm trying to fix: dialog. You seem to have jumbled everyone's speech in one, big, fat, mush of a paragraph. Sure, it gets points crossed, but reader gets tired. Try to start a new line when a new dialog starts. And remember to add a description of HOW does a character act following or before he or she speaks. It adds more depth to the story... and makes your story look whole, while making it simpler to read.I do have positive feedbacks... or so I should. The paragraph accurately paints a picture of anticipated. I dunno if this was by accident or no, but you can tell that the main character cannot wait for school to end. And this is not because of the meaning of the words such as "wait" or "barely contain himself." Sure you can find it there, but you can find it by his conversations with others, and how he neglects his study. You managed to bring out the atmosphere even in such a short passage, and that is commendable. In conclusion.... be more descriptive, and make sure to not tire out the readers. Those two comments are something that I wish that someone gave to me when I started writing. I expect that you would hate me for it, since it is your beginning. But I am still trying to fix those... and failing. I thought that if someone commented on this when I started... I want to believe that I would be a better writer. So please, take my words into consideration. You remind me a bit of me when I started me epic fail of first story... people liked it, but I knew that they expected more from
mokona96
Anyways, I'm ranting now, and I don't want to overwhelm you, so to summarize: Think like your character and add more detail, and use synonyms to make sure it sounds good.P.S. I found that 'big' words sound better if you don't know what to put.P.P.S. I've found that 'what's good' can also be worded as 'what's noticeable'. Which do you think you would notice: somebody twiddling their thumbs, or somebody suddenly stand up and shout "I lost the game!"?P.P.P.S. 'Suddenly' is a good w
EternalLurker
Excessive detail is often more boring than a lack ther
blah701
I prefer to write as limited omniscient observer. I can never get myself to write "I went here and said this" and such. But there is rly good first person narative... Excluding Twilight...When you do start being descriptive, remember to not do RP style writing. In a roleplay, you overuse every description. It. Bores. Readers. Having a good bit of description, followed by some thoughts and ancediotes makes much better story.N.B.: sorry for spelling. Using iPhone to pos
chamomileess
QUOTE (Stragas @ Jul 22 2010, 08:58 PM) quotecIn a roleplay, you sizeo:5/sizeooveruse every descriptionsizec/sizec. It. Bores. Readers.QuoteEndQuoteEEndThis is why Twilight was dead to me. I don't want to be reading about Edward's "perfectly sculpted chest" sentence..
blah701
My point exactly, although I didn't want to insult twilight in front of everyone.Lol.. it isn't every other sentence, but it is enough that it gets annoying... so... I guess once every paragr
EternalLurker
Grammar. Spelling. 'Nuff said. Onwards.Split paragraphs between each character's dialogue. THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL. It is not merely to make things look cleaner for the reader. If you'd done that, you would see that you should be splitting paragraphs almost all the time. Each "paragraph" would be less than one line. That is a very good sign that everything is dialogue and nothing is narration, which is not how you wanna write when in 3rd-person.That lack of narration contributes to the fact that, um, nothing is described at all. We can't even tell if Lailya and Rainen are fat or skinny, black or Hispanic, in elementary school or in high school, etc. Absolutely nothing is mentioned about...anything. We don't even get a TEASER about what the paper might say; Jack just shows up with a piece of paper, "explains it" but not to the reader, and that's that. Writing is only allowed to be a mess of nothing but dialogue if you're writing a children's book. You're writing like a player in an RP; you need to write like the GM.Of course, the names also contribute to our complete inability to know anything about Lailya and Rainen. They're named...Lailya....and Rainen.....which are obviously fantasy names (and thus don't contribute to our knowledge of their location).................and then there's a kid named Jack. AERITH AND BOB SYNDROME. (Tropes are not bad, except when they are.)When properly spaced out into separate paragraphs, this is probably about 2/3 of a page. 2/3 of a page in which...nothing happens. Might wanna pick up the plot pacing a little bit. I mean, it's fine to spend a few pages introducing characters, but as I said you haven't actually introduced anyone. We know nothing about these people beyond their na
rainen
lright so I made some edits and fixed up a few things. How's it looking
mokona96
'Rainen spoke in a stage whisper, accidentally being louder then he thought, “Sure!”' not'Rainen spoke in a stage whisper, accidentally being louder then he thought,“Sure!”'The description of what's being said should be in the same paragraph as what's actually being said, however the description of the next voice should not.Also, you might want to spell check that. Did you leave 'any whey' in on purpose?EDIT: For spell checking, I meant stuff like quoteoQUOTE quoteca girl names LailyaQuoteEndQuote
macfluffers
quoteo(post=3714:date=Jul 22 2010, 11:25 AM:name=rainen)QUOTE (rainen @ Jul 22 2010, 11:25 AM) quotec"any whey" is dialect. I guess I should have mentioned that.QuoteEndQuoteEEndBut now that I think of it, that doesn't make sense to me. "Whey" and "way" are phonetically the s
rainen
Made a few more edits. Any more criticism?On account of my laptop dying I will be unable to add more to the story :\ At least until I get home and transfer the file off of my external harddrive. (Thank god for external harddri
joshyface
/coloroDISCLAIMER: This was edited while I was half asleep, and with a migraine. If there are any offensive comments, I apologize. I did not edit much grammar (I actually avoided it). Some of the grammar mistakes I mentioned might actually be wrong too. Take my advice as you will. I am sorry for any typos ahead of time.colorc/colorcRainen was waiting in study hall. He had been staring at the clock, waiting for the period to end for almost ten minutes. It was the last day of school and he could barely contain himself as he was waiting to get home. Sitting next to him was a girl names Lailya, she was about fivecoloro:#FF0000/coloro feetcolorc/colorc seven inches tall, coloro:#FF0000/coloro(This is boring, nobody will care about exactly how tall she is. Not to mention, surveys have shown that numbers scare people. Using exact numbers is a bad choice in description. There are better ways to tell us tall/short she is so, DO NOT USE NUMBERS TO DESCRIBE UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.)colorc/colorcslightly shorter then himself, and she was just a little over one hundred and ten poundscoloro:#FF0000/coloro(Again, why would i care about her weight. Just tell us her ‘build’. i.e. tall, short, fat, skinny. This will help you avoid over detailing and let you find room for things that are more important. Like personalities.)colorc/colorc. Her light brown hair seemed to clash with her silvery eyes as well as her clothing which was always bright and colorfulcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(What does she wear!?!?! For all i know she could be wearing an orange jump suit. This offers little description and makes the reader think too much. PEOPLE ARE LAZY.)colorc/colorc. When there were only a few minutes left in the period coloro:#FF0000/coloro(Why do we have so little description of the setting. All i know is it’s the last day of school, and they are waiting for the bell. Is this ambiguity intentional, or have you just forgotten the fact that not all schools look the same.)colorc/colorc she leaned over and whispered in a low voice, “Hey Rain”, before returning to her original position.Rainen looked around quickly, making sure nobody was watching since rumors about the two have spread around the school a few timescoloro:#FF0000/coloro(If this doesn't scream “romance foreshadowing”, I don’t know what does. )colorc/colorc, before he whispered back to her “Ya Lai?” coloro:#FF0000/coloro(I would start a new paragraph here because, I don’t think it is a smart move to have quotes from two different characters in the same paragraph. I don’t know if you need to though.)colorc/colorc she looked back at him and admired the fact that for the past few years he had been able to keep his weight down even though he never worked out before saying in the usual hushed voice “There's gonna be a meteor show tonight, wanna come over to my house?” Rainen spoke in a stage whisper, accidentally being louder then he thought, “Sure!” This prompted a few students to look directly at him, their teacher, Mr. Harrincoloro:#FF0000/coloro(Note: We have no idea what he looks like. You can choose to leave it like this because he seems minor, but i would like to know little physical details about him. This may make you over detailed. Although, this chapter is like 1 page so i could use a little more detail.) colorc/colorclooked up from his desk, staring directly at Rainen, and yelled “Rainen! coloro:#FF0000/coloroHcolorc/colorcow many times do I have to tell you, shut up in study hall!” A few of the students laughed and the teacher stared at each and every one of them till they were silent.Rainen looked down at his book bag and muttered in a slightly raised voice “Sorry Mr. Hcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc” After a minute or two Lailya smirked and looked over at Rainen, speaking in a chiding voice saying “Nice one Raincoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc”“Shut up...”Lailya looked the other way and spoke as if she was pouting “Don't tell me to shut upcoloro:#FF0000/coloro.colorc/colorc”“Whatevercoloro:#FF0000/coloro.(Okay, this is just annoying. Even if it is one word quote use punctuation. I am not going to mark all of these.)colorc/colorc” Another minute passed and Rainen looked up at Lailya and nudged her, smiling playfully. She smiled back at him saying “Any coloro:#FF0000/coloroWAY,(I do not care if you have a dialect. This annoys me. There is no other sign of any other dialects in this story; there is no need for this. All this does is confuse people.)colorc/colorc Jackcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(His name sticks out like a sore thumb. CHANGE HIS NAME. The other characters have fantasy names. Be consistent. This name makes me think you were lazy and couldn’t/didn’t think of a name that looks right with the others.)colorc/colorc is coming too”After a few moments, the bell started to ringcoloro:#FF0000/coloro(I think you can change started to ring to rang. This is all writing style though so, whatever.)colorc/colorc and in an instant all of the students left their classrooms and started running off to their buses and cars so that they could finally begin their summer vacation. Lailya and Rainen walked out of study hall behind the rush so as to not get caught up in the madness. As they passed the English wing a thin boy that was a few inches shorter then Rainen came running out of his classroom with a small slip of paper. Rainen smirked at him and said "Sup Jack""The usual man, nothin’ but the usual" After a short conversation explaining the papercoloro:#FF0000/coloro(What is this paper. I don’t think it was ever mentioned, and we have no detail about it. Ambiguity is good, this is not.)colorc/colorc Lailya, Jack, and Rainen walk out of the school building and down the road to Lailya's house.coloro:#FF0000/coloroEdits I didn’t mention in the story:We have little physical description of the male characters. I think you switched tenses somewhere. (Might be thinking of one of the articles/essay I edited earlier this evening.)Their is no description of their personalities; the quotes do not even imply interesting personalities. Their actions seem meaningless (they are). There is nothing wrong with introducing characters, but when you aren’t giving us information on the type of person they are why should we read about them?You have made your characters unrelatable. You're chapter is about one page long it's not great, but it still can be fixed.colorc/colorcI will come back at about twelve hundred hours US central time, and and fix my edits. Right now I need to get some sl
rainen
1a) "any whey" is a recurring theme. It is commented on and joked about all throughout the story. I will probably change it to whay since phonetically whey and way are basically the same. 1b) In fact since I mentioned it, here is a part of my story that mentions it (pulled from memory from far far into the story and horribly unedited, please don't make corrections on this part it's just for kicks mainly. Don't ask me about the characters or events or anything. The point of me writing this is to show you how the most unusual thing can spark something extremely important.) {Rainen looked up from the platform and admired the red glow of Betelgeuse and said "any whay i thi-" "why do you emphasize an "h" sound it's pronounced any way." Rainen stared at her for a minute and responded "I guess because that's how Lailya always said it." The Oracle smiled warmly and said "So even though she doesn't exist you still think of her. Do you know what that means Rainen?" Rainen looked at the Oracle with his head cocked to the side just a little, his eyes clearly wondering what the Oracle was talking about "No not really." The Oracle chuckled warmly and said "It means she still exists in another plane. You didn't stop her from existing, you just caused her to exist somewhere else." Rainen smiled and Plisca rolled her eyes "So she might be in the etheral plane?" The Oracle nodded and stopped smiling as he said "Or she could be in the ether plane. If she is there then you will never see her the same way again.} As I said this is just a little snippet of information. There are many other encounters like this where major or semi major events happen due to something that is apparently useless or pointless to the reader.Due to this event Rainen travels to the etheral plane. After awhile he learns how to control the etheral plane and integrate it with the real plane as well as travel between the two in seconds so he gains a whole host of abilities and powers. Something pointless becomes something major.2) Jack is comic relief. He is gone by the end of the first chapter (maybe beginning of the second) with a few appearances later in the book that deals with the memories theme. I didn't feel it necessary to create a fitting name for him since all he does is provide a complete opposite to the mood of the book.3) This is not all of chapter one. This is the first page of chapter one and I am unable to get the rest of it. (yet)4) This book has many themes and topics. They overlap and mix together in a way that I hope is seemless and leaves the reader with the feeling that so much has happened in such a small amount of space.5) Over the next few minutes (probably more) I will be making (probably most of) the edits you gave me. Thank you for your input J
mokona96
s Lailya.Actually, there's a lack of punctuation in general, and a run-on sentence here and there, but otherwise, I think you've done a good job and have improved grea